‘It
will all be over by Christmas,’ they said, and after one hundred years they
finally made good on their promise to bring our brave boys home before we know
it.
England
fell at the group stage of a World Cup for the first time since 1958, their
elimination secured before a ball was kicked in the final game against have a
go heroes Costa Rica. A solitary point spared Roy Hodgson’s media-approved
squad the ignominy of being known as the worst in its country’s history, but
despite stiff competition from woeful World champions Spain they still managed
to observe their proud tradition of always being by far the most dire of the
teams with a minimum wage of £50,000 a week.
Much
of the blame for England’s two defeats was quite rightly laid at the feet of
Everton duo Leighton Baines and Phil Jagielka – both of whom had the temerity
to not only turn up for the flight to Brazil, but also play when asked. Better,
more patriotic men would have stepped aside and allowed giants of international
football such as John Terry (0 World Cups, 0 European Championships) and Ashley
Cole (0 World Cups, 0 European Championships) to link up with perennial winners
Frank Lampard (0 World Cups, 0 European Championships) and Steven Gerrard (0
World Cups, 0 European Championships) for the good of the nation, but those two selfish bastards didn't even consider it.
Baines
in particular was horribly out of his depth, evidenced by the fact he wasn't up
to the simple task of marking two players at once while simultaneously holding
the hand of a forward who is twelve years into his career. The good news for
England is that Hodgson has already identified a suitable replacement in Manchester
United’s new £27m left-back Luke Shaw, who is already twice the player Baines
is and will only get better. The 18 year old Southampton youth product has the
combination of defensive steel and attacking prowess required of full-backs in
the modern game, and will almost certainly probably improve on last season’s
tally of no goals and one assist.
Like
most people of pension age, Hodgson is constantly learning and evolving, so
fans can rest assured that he will have taken the lessons of this fantastically
entertaining World Cup on board. For example, the plight of Spain and success
of lesser lights such as Colombia, USA and the aforementioned Costa Ricans has
shown that in tournaments where a team’s fate is often sealed within the first
two games, a dependable collective work ethic is more useful than a selection
of mercurial individual talents that will turn up whenever they can be arsed. It
was this line of thinking which led to unpopular decisions being made to leave
behind the likes of Samir Nasri, Carlos Tevez and Kaka, and the vindication of
those decisions which makes the public pleas for Lampard and Gerrard to extend
their international careers all the more baffling.
Anyway,
enough about England.
With
the finish line sadly in sight, hosts Brazil are set to meet Germany in the
first semi-final tomorrow. Juan Zuniga’s Bane-inspired attack on Neymar has
left ‘Uncle Phil’ Scolari’s side looking more toothless than an Alabama
crackhead, while the Fatherland’s own firepower issues have led to them
resorting to all sorts of tactical variations in an attempt to compensate. It’s
a tough one to predict – the only certainties being Fernandinho committing an
absurd amount of fouls without being booked, and David Luiz trying to boot the ball
out of the stadium every thirty seconds if the Brazilians take the lead.
The
second semi-final will see Lionel Messi and friends take on Louis van Gaal’s Holland,
who despite their pedigree are somewhat unlikely participants at this late
stage. Both sides look vulnerable at times but have been able to punish
opponents on the counter-attack, and with games becoming increasingly tight it
seems safe to assume that this one will be settled by whichever front three gets
out of the blocks quickest. It’ll also be interesting to see if incoming United
boss van Gaal has any more ‘innovations’ planned for the press to lap up. One
can only imagine how his newsworthiness will cause Jose Mourinho to act out in
retaliation next season.
Anything
else? Oh yeah, Romelu Lukaku has admitted that returning to Everton is at least
a possibility, but to be honest he doesn't sound overly keen. He may have to
get used to the idea though, as I don’t think the Champions League regulars he’s
planning on joining will have been too impressed watching him chase down his
own first touch over the last few weeks.
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