Weekend at Burnley's

A postmortem of Everton’s latest sojourn on the continent – provisionally titled Lille’s Gone, Kid – was originally slated to appear in this space, but as fellow revellers can attest, Friday and Saturday were more about heaving up the last of the teargas and digging those stubborn rubber bullets out of your dome than writing articles for a blog with two followers.

It’s not as though there was a lot to say about the goalless draw in France anyway. Roberto Martinez fielded his Carling Cup team (A.K.A Muhamed Besic and Tony Hibbert), as well as persona non grata Sylvain Distin and Aiden ‘he’s shit him you know, lad’ McGeady in a line up which didn't so much say, ‘a point is sound here,’ as scream it very loudly through some sort of voice amplifying device. 

For all the groans that meet his inclusion these days, it was Hibbert who provided the game’s highlight when he went marauding forward and received the ball with the goal at his mercy, only to nervously stall until one of the Lille players arrived to stop the riot which would have ensued had he opened the scoring. It was a heart-warming moment of social awareness from a lad who many worried would be changed by the status boost that comes with being Huyton’s top angler.

‘But enough about Europe; the real entertainment was at Turfmoor,’ said no one ever… UNTIL NOW!

A Samuel Eto’o-inspired Everton ran riot and recorded their second away win of the season with a 3-1 victory against Sean Dyche’s Burnley. The Cameroonian opened the scoring with a veritable bullet of a header after just four minutes, capping a move which he himself started in midfield, and bookended the performance with a curled finish from outside the box which you can file under ‘delightful’. 

All three goals were excellent in their own right. The first came at the end of a sweeping move which belied the fact Martinez had picked the slowest team on record, as Leon Osman fed assist machine Leighton Baines down the left while Eto’o strolled to the edge of the six yard box, where he thumped a header in off the bar. The scepticism which followed the decision to offer the veteran forward a two-year deal has pretty much evaporated in recent weeks, as with each performance he demonstrates quite emphatically that he’s far from finished at the highest level. 

Both Baines and Romelu Lukaku spoke post-match about how much everyone is learning from Eto’o on the training ground, but you wouldn’t have known it from Burnley’s equaliser. Lukaku came deep to receive a simple pass on the halfway line, and then in a moment of utter turdness contrived to play the ball straight to former Everton Reserves stalwart Lukas Jutkiewicz. Old Jukebox slipped in his strike partner Danny Ings, who calmly rounded Tim Howard and passed in an equaliser. Relieved to have finally opened his Premier League account, the Clarets forward should hopefully no longer feel the need to compensate for a lack of goals with an excessive amount of forehead.

With the home crowd now roused into getting up to all manner of wool fan antics, Dyche's Tykes gained some momentum, and you couldn't help but feel as though this was going to be another frustrating case of dropped points. However, Lukaku – perhaps realising he was perilously close to a half-time torrent of abuse from the travelling Toffees – quickly atoned for his error by somewhat fortunately finishing off another superb stanza of incisive passing. The Belgian bruiser went back and forth with Steven Naismith, had his first effort blocked, but then somehow managed to kick the ball so hard into the ground that it leapt, grabbing its arse in pain, beyond the despairing grasp of Tom Heaton. 

Following what was almost certainly a very positive and pleasant half-time team talk for all involved, the Blues got back to doing what they do best and virtually passed their opponents to a standstill after the break. Naismith hit the bar with a looping header which, in truth, would have only beat the Richard Wrights of the world had it been on target, and was unlucky not to score near the end after quick feet on the edge of the box put him one on one with Heaton. The Scot tends to struggle a bit when deployed on the wing, and is sometimes guilty of limiting Seamus Coleman’s opportunities to attack, but he did well out there on Sunday. 

Everton have an awful habit of allowing even the most commanding of displays to draw to a nervy conclusion by neglecting to give themselves a two goal cushion, but on 85 minutes they decided to flip the script and let the fans enjoy their final allez, allez, allez ohs in peace. Steven Pienaar, again looking bright off the bench, found Eto’o in space on the edge of the box, where he turned, picked his spot and stroked the ball into the corner of the net in about as nonchalant a fashion as possible. 

Tremendous stuff.

Thrilla at the Villa

OK, so it wasn't really thrilling, nor was it at Villa Park. It was all right, though.

 Roberto Martinez wasted no time in getting Seamus Coleman, James McCarthy and Ross Barkley back into his starting line-up, and if for some reason anyone was wondering why, all three were quick to show the thousands in attendance, and the millions watching around the world exactly what this Everton team has been missing.

 Barkley in particular was superb right from the off, bridging the massive gap which tends to open between the holding midfielders and whoever replaces the England starlet in the ‘Cahill role’ during his absences. In a week which saw David Moyes’ return to the world of self-serving interviews (reaching the quarter finals of the Champions League with Manchester United is nothing to be sniffed at, he’ll have you know), it was doubly satisfying to see Barkley get straight back to playing with the air of a man who knows his manager trusts him implicitly. It never gets old watching him show experienced campaigners less than zero respect.

 In fact, it was from one such act of contempt that the first goal came. Barkley fired a shot near post which ‘asked a question’ of Brad Guzan – presumably, ‘what are you going to do about this, Elmer Fudd?’ – and to be fair to the permanently bewildered-looking American, he correctly answered, ‘C. Put it behind for a corner.’ Ignoring the ire which follows every set piece ever taken short, the wonderful Leighton Baines played a one-two, shimmied past some fool and delivered a peach of a cross with his weaker right foot. The ball eluded  Romelu Lukaku’s weird downward jump, but thankfully found its way into the path of captain Phil Jagielka, who opened the scoring with a guided header after just 18 minutes.

 Villa actually looked decent in the first half, albeit in a non-threatening sort of way. Kieran Richardson and dodged bullet Tom Cleverly move the ball neatly in midfield, but with Christian Benteke searching for post-injury form and Gabriel Agbonlahor still being ever the eight goal a-season forward, there was a feeling that the points were pretty much in the bag once Everton got their noses in front.

 Buoyed by the early introduction of comedy centre back Ciaran Clark from the bench, Lukaku had his best game in a while, although he still looks a bit crap whenever opposition defenders manage to stand him up and stop his momentum. Luckily though, there’s no danger of that happening with Clark, as demonstrated on 48 minutes when he contrived to stand two yards wrong side of his man, allowing the big Belgian to drag Barkley’s under-hit pass out from under his feet and get off a shot which Guzan inexplicably failed to keep out.

 Scoring right after a team has had their half-time rollicking is always a sure-fire way of taking the wind out of their sails, and that’s exactly what happened here. Whatever plan Paul Lambert and Roy Keane had outlined during the break was on its arse less than three minutes after the restart, and judging by their players’ reactions, they didn't bother thinking of a backup.

 Speaking of Keane, how is his beard back already? Did he knock Father Christmas off his roof or something, like Tim Allen in The Santa Clause?

 With the visitors seemingly resolved to saving their legs for next week, Martinez sent on Steven Pienaar for the last half an hour or so. Everton are always much more calm and measured in possession when the South African schemer plays, so it was great to see him get vital minutes in a game where he was unlikely to be booted into row Z by some over-zealous yard dog. He still drew fouls though – having never quite mastered the Arteta ‘fall on the ball and award yourself a free kick before they touch you’ trick – one of which led to Leon Osman releasing Baines down the left, and the coolest footballer on Merseyside getting his head up and picking out Coleman’s near post run before the Lower Gwladys had finished berating Lukaku for loitering on the edge of the box.

 According to some Twitter statto, Baines has now notched more assists in his last ten games than England rivals Kieran Gibbs and Luke Shaw have managed in their entire careers. It does make you wonder why the press are so desperate for one of those two non-entities to usurp Baines’ spot in the national team, especially when neither will ever be as good as he is in a million years.

 At 3-0 Lambert said, ‘no mas,’ and in an act of fealty replaced Benteke with Joe Cole – a player too finished for Sam Allardyce. Martinez accepted the surrender, the Villains were spared any further humiliation, and Lambert and Keane confirmed their status as the new age Walter and Archie. 

Up next: the Mongol horde, resplendent in Europa League fishing hats, descends upon the unsuspecting citizens of Lille.