Leicester City 2 Everton 0

Two games in, and already the white rhinoceros is in danger of becoming extinct.

Hot on the heels of a midweek League Cup exit at Stamford Bridge - a result that Farhad Moshiri would likely file under ‘expected defeat’ - David Unsworth led his band of assorted misfits to the King Power Stadium, where Leicester City treated their new head honcho Claude Puel to a perfect first day on the job.

The Temporary Manager Formerly Known as Keep it on the Floor, you Yard Dog persisted with the same setup that had shown promise in spells against Chelsea, with Jonjoe Kenny, Ashley Williams, Phil Jagielka and Leighton Baines making up a back four in front of Jordan Pickford; and a midfield three of Idrissa Gana Gueye, Tom Davies and Wayne Rooney supporting Aaron Lennon, Kevin Mirallas and Dominic Calvert-Lewin in attack. To his credit, Unsworth appeared to have taken on board some of the stinging criticism levelled at his wardrobe choices on Wednesday night, instead opting to honour the sabbath and dig out his best West Derby Village gear.

Despite hints of pathos in his voice that suggest a very real possibility of things going from bad to John Carver, Unsworth gave himself every chance of banking a fair amount of goodwill with the fans by actually selecting two natural wingers in a formation that, up until recently, had always been employed with the express purpose of providing width. The decision looked to have been vindicated, judging by the fact that the handful of goalscoring opportunities that Everton created in the first half all came from either a penetrating run by Lennon or a shot coming in off the left flank by Mirallas; but apparently Unsworth himself disagreed, as evidenced by the inexplicable decision to hook the pair of them at half-time.

The Blues were, of course, already two-nil down by that point, having conceded in the 18th minute, when Demarai Gray turned defence into attack with the type of blistering run that no one plying their trade in L4 seems capable of. Gathering the ball from a clearance following yet another poor Everton set-piece, he first made a complete mug of Davies, knocking the ball well past him and then shrugging off a pathetic attempt at a foul, before leaving Gueye sprawled on his arse and then putting Rooney in the difficult position of having to decide whether to take his booking early, or save it for later on, when he’d be properly knackered. Mr Winning Mentality went for the latter, allowing Gray to slip in Riyad Mahrez, who in turn crossed low for Jamie Vardy to fire high into Pickford’s net.

Two decent long-range efforts from Mirallas aside, Everton looked at their most dangerous on the occasions where Lennon was able to use his pace to exploit the space in between Leicester’s three central defenders and left wing-back. In the first instance, he got on the end of a lovely through ball by Rooney and showed excellent composure to hang on long enough to draw Kasper Schmeichel off his line, only to see his low centre find Calvert-Lewin flat-footed and roll harmlessly away. The same chink in the home side’s armour would be exploited again shortly after, but this time Lennon was unfortunate not to be awarded a penalty, with referee Andre Mariner failing to point to the spot after the winger was brought down from behind by the trailing leg of Christian Fuchs.

It wouldn’t be long before the home side’s lead was doubled, thanks to a lapse in concentration that young Kenny will hope to soon forget. Gray was again the architect, this time popping up on the left-hand side, and then cutting in and firing a tame effort that would have been unlikely to trouble the Everton goal, were it not for Kenny taking a wild swing and deflecting the ball high beyond Pickford’s reach. It was the type of goal that would have been a sickener at the best of the times, but during a run where even a one-nil deficit looks a near-insurmountable obstacle, it felt like the game was dead and buried after less than half an hour.

Remembering all that he’d learned from Ronald Koeman, Unsworth made two substitutions at the break, taking off Lennon and Mirallas for Oumar Niasse and Beni Baningime. The changes represented, theoretically at least, a switch to a midfield diamond, but in practice it was basically Davies playing down the right and no left-winger. Harsh though it may be, the sad truth is that as the second half wore on, and the desired shape and strategy appeared less and less clear, it became obvious that Unsworth isn’t long for the role. It’s one thing to come in and play the good cop for an end of season dead rubber, as he did with aplomb at the end of Martinez’s reign in 2016; but I’m afraid the task at hand is something all together more challenging. Barring a remarkable turnaround in France on Thursday, you’d have to imagine that he’ll be back with the under-23s after Watford’s visit on Sunday.

While it should be noted that sitting in the relegation zone after 10 games is hardly unchartered waters for Everton, it’s been a long time since the club has faced the uncertainty of looking for a new manager with around three-quarters of the season still to play. The David Moyes who used to drag the club out of such patches through sheer force of will simply does not exist anymore, and of those who have been tentatively linked, none really jump out as an ideal candidates for both the long and short-term; and that’s without mentioning the risk of allowing the same group that were responsible for the summer transfer disaster to make yet another vital decision.

Dark times indeed.

Ronald Koeman, we Hardly knew ye

Just like that, he was gone.

Everton have parted ways with Ronald Koeman after just 16 months, in a move that many called for but few believed would actually happen.

I for one was convinced that Koeman would, in much the same vein as his predecessor Roberto Martinez, be left in situ for as long as it took before the Goodison faithful made his position untenable; but much to my surprise, decisive action was taken in the days following a 5-2 home defeat to Arsenal which, truth be told, would have been overlooked as simply a bad day at the office under previous post-’90s regimes. For those of us that harbour misgivings over the continued presence of Bill Kenwright and Robert Elstone - not to mention the latter’s inexplicable receiving of a directorship - there has been an air of suspicion surrounding the true nature of the club’s hierarchy in the wake of Farhad Moshiri’s arrival, leading many to question exactly who it is that really calls the shots at Fortress Woodison. It now appears that those questions have been answered.

With a second manager in two years being handed his marching orders, there seems little doubt that Moshiri is the power behind the dugout. Whereas Kenwright’s success in keeping the club afloat in the lean years prior to the exorbitantly lucrative television deals of the Roaring Tens was built on cutting David Moyes an infinite amount of slack, our new Iranian overlord appears to take a dim view of the ‘knife to a gunfight’ mentality that has undermined numerous squads’ ability to rise above their perceived station. Following a debut season that was virtually a shot for shot remake of a classic Moyes campaign - out of the cups early doors, and going on a run of league form with nothing to play for and sneaking a ‘best of the rest’ finish - one could have been forgiven for thinking that treading water remained very much the Everton M.O. However, the sanctioning of another sizeable compensation package for an underperforming manager suggests that for the first time in a generation, there are consequences for failure.

Koeman has pointed to various mitigating circumstances throughout a run in which performances have been as poor as results, and to be fair to him, some of his points are valid. Steve Walsh should, in his role as director of football, have been able to deliver the replacement for Romelu Lukaku and partner for Michael Keane that the manager went on record as saying that he asked for; but even if you absolve Koeman of any transfer-related blame, the idea that the team occupies a false league position due to an unfairly difficult opening set of fixtures only serves to highlight why he wouldn’t have been worth persisting with beyond the summer, regardless of whether or not he could have stopped the latest rot. In a nutshell, he simply could not win away from home, and aside from a pair of spectacular outings against Arsenal and Manchester City last season, he never really looked like beating any of the better sides at home, either. These are not the hallmarks of teams that qualify for the Champions League or win domestic cups.

When Moshiri went to great expense to prise Koeman and Walsh away from their respective previous employers, it was expected that between the former’s renown as one of the truly great players of the modern era, and the latter’s burgeoning reputation as a successful talent spotter, there would be a marked increase in the quality of footballer getting pictured with that fella who picked up the unfortunate nickname ‘Contract Nonce’. Unfortunately, that simply hasn’t been the case, and now the club is saddled with a glut of like-minded plodders whose fees and/or wages are likely to prove massively prohibitive to any potential buyers; and even if Walsh carries the can for failing to deliver what was promised, the onus was on Koeman to get off his fat arse and take a more active role in a recruitment drive that everyone could see had ground to a halt by the end of July.

Ultimately, it was this apparent unwillingness to go the extra mile that has done for Koeman. He knew in January that Wayne Rooney would be returning to the club, presumably with his blessing, and so what were his reasons for insisting that Gylfi Sigurdsson -  who had already rejected a move to Everton in summer 2016 - be acquired at all costs? He knew that Kevin Mirallas, Aaron Lennon and Ademola Lookman didn’t feature prominently in his plans, yet made no mention of wanting to bring in any wide options that he might have actually used. He knew that Tom Davies had been a season-changing revelation for him last year, but still sanctioned a big money move for Davy Klaassen, while neglecting to address the fact that a combination of age and chronic injury had left the team bereft of competent full-backs. He approached the summer like a school child who hoped against hope that, somehow, September would just never come; but then it did.

As was the case when Martinez got the Persian Mameluke in May 2016, Under-23s manager and former long-serving player David Unsworth has been placed in temporary control of first team affairs, beginning with a League Cup tie away at Chelsea, which at time of writing has yet to be played. All manner of names from across the football spectrum have been mooted as potential replacements by various news sources - from British jobs for British managers candidates Sean Dyche and Sam Allardyce, to more fanciful ‘head coach’ types such as Carlo Ancelotti and Thomas Tuchel - but with the club seemingly in no rush to make a permanent appointment, it seems likely that old Rhino will still be in charge for Sunday’s trip to also manager-less Leicester City.

If there are genuine designs on promoting Unsworth, then I suppose now is the time. Hopefully he’ll at least illicit a reaction from the players in the short-term; and also get himself a suit while he’s at it, the scruffy get.

Brighton 1 Everton 1

‘Two, four, six, eight, Koeman’s head is very great. “Great” meaning large or immense, we use it in a pejorative sense.’

That’s right. It’s come to this.

Ronald Koeman opted for a return to four-two-three-one, with Mason Holgate and Phil Jagielka replacing Cuco Martina and Ashley Williams in defence alongside Michael Keane and Leighton Baines. Morgan Schneiderlin and Idrissa Gana Gueye continued to stink out the centre of midfield, while Nikola Vlasic, Gylfi Sigurdsson and Dominic Calvert-Lewin offered varying levels of support to lone striker Wayne Rooney.

Brighton appear to be the type of newly promoted side that first and foremost don’t want to get embarrassed on their maiden voyage into Premier League waters, and so it generally makes for poor fare when they go up against run of the mill, mid-table bums such as Everton. The tone was set when Calvert-Lewin was fouled within 10 seconds of the game kicking off, and the first half carried on in much the same vein, passing by with so few moments of quality that the Bein Sports panel decided to talk about Derby and Nottingham Forest at half-time. It looked a good game.

The cynical fouls continued after the break, with Gueye fortunate not to find himself nursing a broken leg following a challenge by Davy Propper that was in danger of entering Nolan on Anichebe territory. Everton could, and probably should, have had a penalty when Pascal Gross blatantly pulled Sigurdsson’s shirt just as the Icelander was about to connect with a clear sight on goal, but aside from a weak effort by Calvert-Lewin - where to be fair to him, he had done brilliantly to peel off his marker and take a cross from Rooney down onto his chest - there was little to trouble Matt Ryan in the home goal until the late charge that followed Brighton’s 82nd minute opener.

You would have to think that the manager will seriously consider Schneiderlin’s place in the team ahead of two weeks of potentially season-defining fixtures, as he was once again caught daydreaming for an opposition goal. Brighton worked the ball well down the righthand side before centring for substitute Jose Izquierdo, whose blocked shot looked to be rolling across the box slowly enough for even the most lackadaisical of defenders to react to. It was, however, still too quick for Schneiderlin, who had the appearance of a man dosed with a generous helping of that time-distorting drug from Dredd, as he allowed the ball to run long enough for Gross to burst in from the wing and make a tackle-pass to the waiting Anthony Knockaert, who duly buried it beyond a helpless Jordan Pickford. With less than ten minutes to go, the prognosis was looking bleak for Koeman.

The spectre of Steve Walsh’s Brewster’s Millions-themed summer transfer spree reared its head again when the usual desperate substitutions were made. Oumar Niasse and Kevin Mirallas - two players that have been neither rated nor wanted at Everton for well over 12 months now - were, despite significant outlay on the likes of Davy Klaassen and Sandro Ramirez, first off the bench in the manager’s hour of need, demonstrating what little consideration was given to ensuring that there would be suitable variety for him to choose from. To give credit where it’s due, they each did their bit to push the hosts back with willing, if at times aimless running, and it was thanks to a drive through the middle by Mirallas that Knockaert was forced to concede the free kick which would ultimately lead to an equaliser.

For all that we’re calling Schneiderlin after his part in Brighton’s goal, it’s surely nothing compared to what Chris Hughton and the gang are saying about their Spanish right-back Bruno, who responded to another benignly floated free kick from Sigurdsson with a forearm smash straight out of the Tekken control manual. Inbetweeners alumni Michael Oliver atoned for his earlier negligence by immediately pointing to the spot, allowing Rooney to step up and calmly slot his third league goal of the season. It was a moment that enabled Koeman to to breathe a sigh of relief and churn out a few post-game cliches about luck and effort that almost certainly wouldn’t have washed in the face of yet another listless defeat, but even this most aloof of managers must surely be looking at the fixture list and wondering which of the upcoming opponents will end up doing for him.

Still, there were a number of positives, such as Pickford again proving himself the anti-Howard with a proactive approach to dealing with crosses, and one or two smart saves that likely would have asked too much of Maarten Stekelenburg or Joel Robles. Keane had possibly his best game since arriving from Burnley, making an excellent block from Lewis Dunk’s goal-bound effort in the first half, and then doing his best to prevent what would have been a tap-in for Izquierdo, only to have his efforts undermined by Schneiderlin’s inexplicable lethargy. Calvert-Lewin again showed glimpses of the striker he could one day become, and despite falling flat on his arse at several crucial moments, Vlasic was another who gave a decent account of himself.

Like his predecessor, Koeman has the air of a dead man walking; and similar to Roberto Martinez, you can’t help but feel as though his inevitable death by a thousand subs could be avoided if he would just bite the bullet and make a couple of difficult decisions regarding perceived favourites. For example, the two holding midfielders simply cannot be allowed to continue playing together. Schneiderlin had a lot of goodwill in the bank after taking the credit for last season’s Tom Davies-inspired turn around, but as time has gone on it’s become abundantly clear that his occupation of the John Collins sinecure position has pushed Gueye forward into areas where his Phil Neville-esque passing ability is being frequently exposed. Rooney, meanwhile, is obviously going to be the team’s designated passenger for as long as his contract has to run, and so Christ knows what’s going to become of Sigurdsson.

With Lyon (x2), Arsenal and Chelsea in the League Cup all scheduled over the next fortnight, chances are that Farhad Moshiri and Bill Kenwright will soon be asking themselves whether or not it’s worth the risk to allow Koeman the time to turn things around during the hectic winter period. History would suggest that he’s more than capable of riding out the storm and, with no pressure and virtually nothing to play for, going on the sort of second half of the season run that could eventually blag you a go at the Manchester United job. It’s near enough exactly what happened both last year, and in each of his campaigns as Southampton’s golfer in-chief, and so the argument could absolutely be made that he can repeat the trick a fourth time.

But what if he can’t?

Everton 0 Burnley 1

Something is rotten in the borough of Walton.

Ronald Koeman’s random football team generator app spat out a formation approaching four-four-two for the visit of Burnley, as Everton laboured to another disappointing result just three days after a Europa League tie that will forever live in infamy as Daft Limassol.

The lineup saw Michael Keane return to face his former club, partnering Ashley Williams in the centre of a defence flanked by Cuco Martina and captain Leighton Baines. Idrissa Gana Gueye and Morgan Schneiderlin sat deep in midfield behind narrow wide men Gylfi Sigurdsson and Nikola Vlasic, and Dominic Calvert-Lewin started alongside have a go hero Oumar Niasse up front. It was an eyebrow-raising selection to say the least - perhaps foreshadowing the imminent arrival of arch-eyebrow archer Carlo Ancelotti - with the most notable detail being the omission of courtroom sketch model Wayne Rooney.

Everton started OK, with willing runners Niasse and Calvert-Lewin stretching the visitors’ back line and creating space which enabled Sigurdsson to twice pick up the ball in a dangerous area, only to want an extra touch and find himself crowded out before getting a meaningful shot away. Neither Ben Mee nor James Tarkowski seemed at all comfortable with Niasse’s unorthodox, busy movement, and the early signs were that there was joy to be had from knocking balls in behind for the strikers to chase. All of that went out of the window, however, when against the run of play, a lovely 24-pass move ended with the raucous away support being sent into complete wool rapture.

As often seems to be the case when the Birdman is playing, the goal came from down the right-wing, when Vlasic - yet another who doesn’t look natural playing out wide - got caught ball-watching and failed to track the run of left-back Stephen Ward, who hit the byeline and picked out a neat cut back to the Jeff Hendrick Experience. The Irish international shimmied and let the ball run across his body, sending Morgan Schneiderlin to the Carling bottle bar in the process, and found himself with all the time in world to set for an effortless stroke into the far corner of Jordan Pickford’s goal. It was all downhill from there.

The burden of jargness weighs heavy at the best of times, and so it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to see the Everton players descend into a collective malaise at the prospect of having to come from behind to rescue a result for the third time in eight days. Williams is usually the best bet for an unforced act of Yobo that sends players and fans alike into a flailing panic, and he was duly on hand to attempt further self-harm by passing the ball straight to a claret shirt, before narrowly avoiding a penalty giveaway when he went bundling into Scott Arfield in a ham-fisted effort to atone for the error. By that point, the half-time booing couldn’t have come soon enough.

It came as a bit of a shock when the second half kicked off without a substitution from Koeman, following discussion in the week of how he has been compelled to make changes during the break on seven occasions this season alone. Whether or not this unwanted scrutiny was the reason behind the decision to wait until the hour mark to utilise his bench, only the manager knows; but you would hope that it wasn’t the case, because if coverage of the national team has taught us anything, it’s that strategising against the media rather than the opposition is generally a precursor to the man in charge being sacked with maximum lampooning. Koeman is already universally referred to as some variation or another of Fat Head amongst Evertonians. He doesn’t want the press getting in on the act as well.

Rooney eventually replaced Schneiderlin after 63 minutes, with Tom Davies on for Vlasic four minutes later, and Sandro Ramirez getting a run out for the last 10 at the expense of Niasse. None of the three had much of an impact, although Rooney did display a degree of confidence that was visibly lacking in his teammates, as he did his best to get on the ball as much as possible and put Burnley on the back foot with forward-thinking passing. It was all too little, too late, though, and in the end Sean Dyche’s well-drilled banks of four were able to repel the timid blue waves without goalkeeper Nick Pope ever really having to extend himself.

In his post-match interview, Koeman chose to praise the commitment shown by his players, and to be fair, it would be harsh to say that a comeback never happened for a want of trying. The team is simply poor, with Martina again proving himself a complete buffoon when he wasted one final chance to get the ball into Burnley’s box by being caught unforgivably on his heels in the dying seconds. Baines hasn’t been the same since the layoff that seems to have left him incapable of putting his foot through the ball anymore, and Williams is beginning to enter Titus Bramble territory with the number of mistakes he’s making. Keane started the season well enough, but is having his limitations exposed by being part of a defensive unit that changes in shape and personnel from game to game.

Midfield and attack look set to remain in a state of limbo until the manager figures out what to do with Rooney. The Prodigal Pie Head has had his moments, and again looked composed in possession against Burnley, but the ongoing effort to accommodate him is making it increasingly difficult to find settled roles for others such as Sigurdsson, Davies and Calvert-Lewin. The uncertainty also appears to be affecting the form of Gana and Schneiderlin, who are getting in each other’s way now that they’re often required to sit deep and cover four indisciplined forwards. Both looked better with Davies and the sorely missed Ross Barkley to interchange with last season.

With two weeks until the trip to promoted Brighton, there is much for Koeman to ponder as he whips his little cart up and down Portugal’s fairest fairways; although chances are he’s already looking forward to living la vida Big Sam on the enormous compensation package that could be coming down the pipe in the not too distant future.

Everton, eh?