Something is rotten in the borough of Walton.
Ronald Koeman’s random football team generator app spat out a formation approaching four-four-two for the visit of Burnley, as Everton laboured to another disappointing result just three days after a Europa League tie that will forever live in infamy as Daft Limassol.
The lineup saw Michael Keane return to face his former club, partnering Ashley Williams in the centre of a defence flanked by Cuco Martina and captain Leighton Baines. Idrissa Gana Gueye and Morgan Schneiderlin sat deep in midfield behind narrow wide men Gylfi Sigurdsson and Nikola Vlasic, and Dominic Calvert-Lewin started alongside have a go hero Oumar Niasse up front. It was an eyebrow-raising selection to say the least - perhaps foreshadowing the imminent arrival of arch-eyebrow archer Carlo Ancelotti - with the most notable detail being the omission of courtroom sketch model Wayne Rooney.
Everton started OK, with willing runners Niasse and Calvert-Lewin stretching the visitors’ back line and creating space which enabled Sigurdsson to twice pick up the ball in a dangerous area, only to want an extra touch and find himself crowded out before getting a meaningful shot away. Neither Ben Mee nor James Tarkowski seemed at all comfortable with Niasse’s unorthodox, busy movement, and the early signs were that there was joy to be had from knocking balls in behind for the strikers to chase. All of that went out of the window, however, when against the run of play, a lovely 24-pass move ended with the raucous away support being sent into complete wool rapture.
As often seems to be the case when the Birdman is playing, the goal came from down the right-wing, when Vlasic - yet another who doesn’t look natural playing out wide - got caught ball-watching and failed to track the run of left-back Stephen Ward, who hit the byeline and picked out a neat cut back to the Jeff Hendrick Experience. The Irish international shimmied and let the ball run across his body, sending Morgan Schneiderlin to the Carling bottle bar in the process, and found himself with all the time in world to set for an effortless stroke into the far corner of Jordan Pickford’s goal. It was all downhill from there.
The burden of jargness weighs heavy at the best of times, and so it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to see the Everton players descend into a collective malaise at the prospect of having to come from behind to rescue a result for the third time in eight days. Williams is usually the best bet for an unforced act of Yobo that sends players and fans alike into a flailing panic, and he was duly on hand to attempt further self-harm by passing the ball straight to a claret shirt, before narrowly avoiding a penalty giveaway when he went bundling into Scott Arfield in a ham-fisted effort to atone for the error. By that point, the half-time booing couldn’t have come soon enough.
It came as a bit of a shock when the second half kicked off without a substitution from Koeman, following discussion in the week of how he has been compelled to make changes during the break on seven occasions this season alone. Whether or not this unwanted scrutiny was the reason behind the decision to wait until the hour mark to utilise his bench, only the manager knows; but you would hope that it wasn’t the case, because if coverage of the national team has taught us anything, it’s that strategising against the media rather than the opposition is generally a precursor to the man in charge being sacked with maximum lampooning. Koeman is already universally referred to as some variation or another of Fat Head amongst Evertonians. He doesn’t want the press getting in on the act as well.
Rooney eventually replaced Schneiderlin after 63 minutes, with Tom Davies on for Vlasic four minutes later, and Sandro Ramirez getting a run out for the last 10 at the expense of Niasse. None of the three had much of an impact, although Rooney did display a degree of confidence that was visibly lacking in his teammates, as he did his best to get on the ball as much as possible and put Burnley on the back foot with forward-thinking passing. It was all too little, too late, though, and in the end Sean Dyche’s well-drilled banks of four were able to repel the timid blue waves without goalkeeper Nick Pope ever really having to extend himself.
In his post-match interview, Koeman chose to praise the commitment shown by his players, and to be fair, it would be harsh to say that a comeback never happened for a want of trying. The team is simply poor, with Martina again proving himself a complete buffoon when he wasted one final chance to get the ball into Burnley’s box by being caught unforgivably on his heels in the dying seconds. Baines hasn’t been the same since the layoff that seems to have left him incapable of putting his foot through the ball anymore, and Williams is beginning to enter Titus Bramble territory with the number of mistakes he’s making. Keane started the season well enough, but is having his limitations exposed by being part of a defensive unit that changes in shape and personnel from game to game.
Midfield and attack look set to remain in a state of limbo until the manager figures out what to do with Rooney. The Prodigal Pie Head has had his moments, and again looked composed in possession against Burnley, but the ongoing effort to accommodate him is making it increasingly difficult to find settled roles for others such as Sigurdsson, Davies and Calvert-Lewin. The uncertainty also appears to be affecting the form of Gana and Schneiderlin, who are getting in each other’s way now that they’re often required to sit deep and cover four indisciplined forwards. Both looked better with Davies and the sorely missed Ross Barkley to interchange with last season.
With two weeks until the trip to promoted Brighton, there is much for Koeman to ponder as he whips his little cart up and down Portugal’s fairest fairways; although chances are he’s already looking forward to living la vida Big Sam on the enormous compensation package that could be coming down the pipe in the not too distant future.
Everton, eh?
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