Weekend at Burnley's

A postmortem of Everton’s latest sojourn on the continent – provisionally titled Lille’s Gone, Kid – was originally slated to appear in this space, but as fellow revellers can attest, Friday and Saturday were more about heaving up the last of the teargas and digging those stubborn rubber bullets out of your dome than writing articles for a blog with two followers.

It’s not as though there was a lot to say about the goalless draw in France anyway. Roberto Martinez fielded his Carling Cup team (A.K.A Muhamed Besic and Tony Hibbert), as well as persona non grata Sylvain Distin and Aiden ‘he’s shit him you know, lad’ McGeady in a line up which didn't so much say, ‘a point is sound here,’ as scream it very loudly through some sort of voice amplifying device. 

For all the groans that meet his inclusion these days, it was Hibbert who provided the game’s highlight when he went marauding forward and received the ball with the goal at his mercy, only to nervously stall until one of the Lille players arrived to stop the riot which would have ensued had he opened the scoring. It was a heart-warming moment of social awareness from a lad who many worried would be changed by the status boost that comes with being Huyton’s top angler.

‘But enough about Europe; the real entertainment was at Turfmoor,’ said no one ever… UNTIL NOW!

A Samuel Eto’o-inspired Everton ran riot and recorded their second away win of the season with a 3-1 victory against Sean Dyche’s Burnley. The Cameroonian opened the scoring with a veritable bullet of a header after just four minutes, capping a move which he himself started in midfield, and bookended the performance with a curled finish from outside the box which you can file under ‘delightful’. 

All three goals were excellent in their own right. The first came at the end of a sweeping move which belied the fact Martinez had picked the slowest team on record, as Leon Osman fed assist machine Leighton Baines down the left while Eto’o strolled to the edge of the six yard box, where he thumped a header in off the bar. The scepticism which followed the decision to offer the veteran forward a two-year deal has pretty much evaporated in recent weeks, as with each performance he demonstrates quite emphatically that he’s far from finished at the highest level. 

Both Baines and Romelu Lukaku spoke post-match about how much everyone is learning from Eto’o on the training ground, but you wouldn’t have known it from Burnley’s equaliser. Lukaku came deep to receive a simple pass on the halfway line, and then in a moment of utter turdness contrived to play the ball straight to former Everton Reserves stalwart Lukas Jutkiewicz. Old Jukebox slipped in his strike partner Danny Ings, who calmly rounded Tim Howard and passed in an equaliser. Relieved to have finally opened his Premier League account, the Clarets forward should hopefully no longer feel the need to compensate for a lack of goals with an excessive amount of forehead.

With the home crowd now roused into getting up to all manner of wool fan antics, Dyche's Tykes gained some momentum, and you couldn't help but feel as though this was going to be another frustrating case of dropped points. However, Lukaku – perhaps realising he was perilously close to a half-time torrent of abuse from the travelling Toffees – quickly atoned for his error by somewhat fortunately finishing off another superb stanza of incisive passing. The Belgian bruiser went back and forth with Steven Naismith, had his first effort blocked, but then somehow managed to kick the ball so hard into the ground that it leapt, grabbing its arse in pain, beyond the despairing grasp of Tom Heaton. 

Following what was almost certainly a very positive and pleasant half-time team talk for all involved, the Blues got back to doing what they do best and virtually passed their opponents to a standstill after the break. Naismith hit the bar with a looping header which, in truth, would have only beat the Richard Wrights of the world had it been on target, and was unlucky not to score near the end after quick feet on the edge of the box put him one on one with Heaton. The Scot tends to struggle a bit when deployed on the wing, and is sometimes guilty of limiting Seamus Coleman’s opportunities to attack, but he did well out there on Sunday. 

Everton have an awful habit of allowing even the most commanding of displays to draw to a nervy conclusion by neglecting to give themselves a two goal cushion, but on 85 minutes they decided to flip the script and let the fans enjoy their final allez, allez, allez ohs in peace. Steven Pienaar, again looking bright off the bench, found Eto’o in space on the edge of the box, where he turned, picked his spot and stroked the ball into the corner of the net in about as nonchalant a fashion as possible. 

Tremendous stuff.

Thrilla at the Villa

OK, so it wasn't really thrilling, nor was it at Villa Park. It was all right, though.

 Roberto Martinez wasted no time in getting Seamus Coleman, James McCarthy and Ross Barkley back into his starting line-up, and if for some reason anyone was wondering why, all three were quick to show the thousands in attendance, and the millions watching around the world exactly what this Everton team has been missing.

 Barkley in particular was superb right from the off, bridging the massive gap which tends to open between the holding midfielders and whoever replaces the England starlet in the ‘Cahill role’ during his absences. In a week which saw David Moyes’ return to the world of self-serving interviews (reaching the quarter finals of the Champions League with Manchester United is nothing to be sniffed at, he’ll have you know), it was doubly satisfying to see Barkley get straight back to playing with the air of a man who knows his manager trusts him implicitly. It never gets old watching him show experienced campaigners less than zero respect.

 In fact, it was from one such act of contempt that the first goal came. Barkley fired a shot near post which ‘asked a question’ of Brad Guzan – presumably, ‘what are you going to do about this, Elmer Fudd?’ – and to be fair to the permanently bewildered-looking American, he correctly answered, ‘C. Put it behind for a corner.’ Ignoring the ire which follows every set piece ever taken short, the wonderful Leighton Baines played a one-two, shimmied past some fool and delivered a peach of a cross with his weaker right foot. The ball eluded  Romelu Lukaku’s weird downward jump, but thankfully found its way into the path of captain Phil Jagielka, who opened the scoring with a guided header after just 18 minutes.

 Villa actually looked decent in the first half, albeit in a non-threatening sort of way. Kieran Richardson and dodged bullet Tom Cleverly move the ball neatly in midfield, but with Christian Benteke searching for post-injury form and Gabriel Agbonlahor still being ever the eight goal a-season forward, there was a feeling that the points were pretty much in the bag once Everton got their noses in front.

 Buoyed by the early introduction of comedy centre back Ciaran Clark from the bench, Lukaku had his best game in a while, although he still looks a bit crap whenever opposition defenders manage to stand him up and stop his momentum. Luckily though, there’s no danger of that happening with Clark, as demonstrated on 48 minutes when he contrived to stand two yards wrong side of his man, allowing the big Belgian to drag Barkley’s under-hit pass out from under his feet and get off a shot which Guzan inexplicably failed to keep out.

 Scoring right after a team has had their half-time rollicking is always a sure-fire way of taking the wind out of their sails, and that’s exactly what happened here. Whatever plan Paul Lambert and Roy Keane had outlined during the break was on its arse less than three minutes after the restart, and judging by their players’ reactions, they didn't bother thinking of a backup.

 Speaking of Keane, how is his beard back already? Did he knock Father Christmas off his roof or something, like Tim Allen in The Santa Clause?

 With the visitors seemingly resolved to saving their legs for next week, Martinez sent on Steven Pienaar for the last half an hour or so. Everton are always much more calm and measured in possession when the South African schemer plays, so it was great to see him get vital minutes in a game where he was unlikely to be booted into row Z by some over-zealous yard dog. He still drew fouls though – having never quite mastered the Arteta ‘fall on the ball and award yourself a free kick before they touch you’ trick – one of which led to Leon Osman releasing Baines down the left, and the coolest footballer on Merseyside getting his head up and picking out Coleman’s near post run before the Lower Gwladys had finished berating Lukaku for loitering on the edge of the box.

 According to some Twitter statto, Baines has now notched more assists in his last ten games than England rivals Kieran Gibbs and Luke Shaw have managed in their entire careers. It does make you wonder why the press are so desperate for one of those two non-entities to usurp Baines’ spot in the national team, especially when neither will ever be as good as he is in a million years.

 At 3-0 Lambert said, ‘no mas,’ and in an act of fealty replaced Benteke with Joe Cole – a player too finished for Sam Allardyce. Martinez accepted the surrender, the Villains were spared any further humiliation, and Lambert and Keane confirmed their status as the new age Walter and Archie. 

Up next: the Mongol horde, resplendent in Europa League fishing hats, descends upon the unsuspecting citizens of Lille.

Cleverly Fills Kop

That could have been a headline if Tom Cleverly’s proposed move to Everton had gone through, and then been followed by him wading through the crowd at Anfield in three weeks’ time, windmilling punches at his red foes.

However, for better or worse, a deal didn’t materialise before the transfer window was boarded shut like a family home within John Henry’s Lebensraum territory, and so the Blues are forced to go ‘with what they’ve got,’ to quote a certain ginger dolite.

The prospect of making do with the current crop seemed significantly less ominous before late lapses in concentration against Leicester City and Arsenal turned respectable 2-1s into a pair of disappointing 2-2s (or Desmonds, for the academic snobs amongst you). Add in the thrilling but ultimately worrying 6-3 home defeat at the hands of champions elect Chelsea and it’s easy to see why some are getting tetchy.

Roberto Martinez will obviously have seen all of this, especially now that he's 50ft tall and living on the side of the Main Stand, and with the ever-annoying first international break upon us there’s nothing to do but have faith that he’ll sort things out in time for the next game away at West Brom.

Still, there’s plenty to be optimistic about. I for one never believed I’d see Everton pull of a transfer on the scale of Romelu Lukaku’s £28m move from Chelsea, and despite us being all, like, ‘so tense, never tenser – could all go a bit John Spencer,’ Samuel Eto’o looks equipped to make a contribution which belies his advancing years. Transfer-wise there’s also the return of Gareth Barry and development of new signing Muhamed ‘not fucking there, lad,’ Besic to get excited about.

Fingers have been pointed at the back four and goalkeeper that have conceded ten goals in just three games, and rightly so, but the most pressing issue for Martinez to address is possibly the role of James McCarthy. Everyone’s heard the jokes about him getting across more ground than the Russian infantry, but the fact is that his constant covering out wide seems to be leaving him exhausted towards the end of games, as evidenced by the roasting he’s uncharacteristically received at the hands of Santi Cazorla and Eden Hazard in recent weeks.

So yeah, the squad still looks a bit thin, but perhaps Milford men Darron Gibson, Arouna Kone and Antolin Alcaraz will get off their arses and pitch in.

ROMSHELL!

That’d be a popular headline if the newspapers were remotely arsed about the fact that Romelu Lukaku doesn't seem overly keen on a permanent move to Everton.

Fresh from giving a rather poor account of himself at the World Cup, the big Belgian goal plunderer has gone off on holiday, presumably leaving his agent with instructions to find him the Champions League club of his dreams.

While you could imagine David Moyes sitting forlornly in his office, like Stan waiting for a reply from Eminem, Roberto Martinez remains typically upbeat about the situation, and seems content to just let this one play out. He’s obviously not going to come out say it, but much of his apparent confidence in the deal coming off probably stems from the belief that no club really fits the young striker’s alleged criteria.

As clinical as he is in front of goal, Lukaku still has gaping holes in his game that will preclude him from leading the line in a team which competes regularly for the highest honours. In short, his first touch and general holdup play are shite, and that won’t wash with snides like Jose Mourinho, who incidentally is the manager at Lukaku’s parent club Chelsea.

Other big clubs are said to be interested, most notably Atletico Madrid and Juventus – both champions of their respective leagues – and even Christmas and Easter title winners Liverpool were rumoured to have made an enquiry before snapping up the annoyingly excellent Loic Remy last week.

Wolfsburg has been mooted as another possible destination, mainly because they’re minted now, but despite this nouveau rich status they’re unlikely to trouble the Bayern Munich-Borussia Dortmund duopoly anytime soon. Like Everton, they had a great season but still only finished fifth, so unless Lukaku decides that he may as well earn as much moolah as possible if he has to lower himself to playing in the Europa League, it’s not somewhere I’d expect to see him go in the near future.

There is, of course, also the option of him simply signing a new deal at Chelsea. It would sort of make sense given that they loaned him out so he’d return to them a better player, but with Diego Costa arriving for £32m there’s little chance of him making anything like the number of starts he did at Goodison (and lots of other grounds) last season. To be honest, coming off the bench and rotating with more experienced forwards would probably suit him well at this point, but luckily he seems reluctant to accept a supporting role now that he’s tasted life as a leading man.

Everton face a tough start to the upcoming campaign, travelling to newly promoted Leicester City and then hosting Arsenal and Chelsea in the week before the transfer window closes. With that in mind, it’d be remiss for the club to again wait until the last minute to get their business done, and so we could reach a point where Martinez is forced to drop the nice guy act and tell Lukaku to put up or shut up, pal, as we’re not prepared to write-off nine points just so you’ve got time to see if Costa looks like he could end up being a bit shit.

Oh, and in other young Belgian striker-related news, Everton are said to be closing in on 18 year old David ‘Cardinal’ Henan, about whom little is known but much shall be expected.

Goodbye to All That

‘It will all be over by Christmas,’ they said, and after one hundred years they finally made good on their promise to bring our brave boys home before we know it.

England fell at the group stage of a World Cup for the first time since 1958, their elimination secured before a ball was kicked in the final game against have a go heroes Costa Rica. A solitary point spared Roy Hodgson’s media-approved squad the ignominy of being known as the worst in its country’s history, but despite stiff competition from woeful World champions Spain they still managed to observe their proud tradition of always being by far the most dire of the teams with a minimum wage of £50,000 a week.

Much of the blame for England’s two defeats was quite rightly laid at the feet of Everton duo Leighton Baines and Phil Jagielka – both of whom had the temerity to not only turn up for the flight to Brazil, but also play when asked. Better, more patriotic men would have stepped aside and allowed giants of international football such as John Terry (0 World Cups, 0 European Championships) and Ashley Cole (0 World Cups, 0 European Championships) to link up with perennial winners Frank Lampard (0 World Cups, 0 European Championships) and Steven Gerrard (0 World Cups, 0 European Championships) for the good of the nation, but those two selfish bastards didn't even consider it.

Baines in particular was horribly out of his depth, evidenced by the fact he wasn't up to the simple task of marking two players at once while simultaneously holding the hand of a forward who is twelve years into his career. The good news for England is that Hodgson has already identified a suitable replacement in Manchester United’s new £27m left-back Luke Shaw, who is already twice the player Baines is and will only get better. The 18 year old Southampton youth product has the combination of defensive steel and attacking prowess required of full-backs in the modern game, and will almost certainly probably improve on last season’s tally of no goals and one assist.

Like most people of pension age, Hodgson is constantly learning and evolving, so fans can rest assured that he will have taken the lessons of this fantastically entertaining World Cup on board. For example, the plight of Spain and success of lesser lights such as Colombia, USA and the aforementioned Costa Ricans has shown that in tournaments where a team’s fate is often sealed within the first two games, a dependable collective work ethic is more useful than a selection of mercurial individual talents that will turn up whenever they can be arsed. It was this line of thinking which led to unpopular decisions being made to leave behind the likes of Samir Nasri, Carlos Tevez and Kaka, and the vindication of those decisions which makes the public pleas for Lampard and Gerrard to extend their international careers all the more baffling.

Anyway, enough about England.

With the finish line sadly in sight, hosts Brazil are set to meet Germany in the first semi-final tomorrow. Juan Zuniga’s Bane-inspired attack on Neymar has left ‘Uncle Phil’ Scolari’s side looking more toothless than an Alabama crackhead, while the Fatherland’s own firepower issues have led to them resorting to all sorts of tactical variations in an attempt to compensate. It’s a tough one to predict – the only certainties being Fernandinho committing an absurd amount of fouls without being booked, and David Luiz trying to boot the ball out of the stadium every thirty seconds if the Brazilians take the lead.

The second semi-final will see Lionel Messi and friends take on Louis van Gaal’s Holland, who despite their pedigree are somewhat unlikely participants at this late stage. Both sides look vulnerable at times but have been able to punish opponents on the counter-attack, and with games becoming increasingly tight it seems safe to assume that this one will be settled by whichever front three gets out of the blocks quickest. It’ll also be interesting to see if incoming United boss van Gaal has any more ‘innovations’ planned for the press to lap up. One can only imagine how his newsworthiness will cause Jose Mourinho to act out in retaliation next season.

Anything else? Oh yeah, Romelu Lukaku has admitted that returning to Everton is at least a possibility, but to be honest he doesn't sound overly keen. He may have to get used to the idea though, as I don’t think the Champions League regulars he’s planning on joining will have been too impressed watching him chase down his own first touch over the last few weeks.