WWE vs. Game of Thrones, Part Two

4. Robb Screwed Robb

It is the autumn of 1997, and the World Wrestling Federation is at war.

After buying, stealing and blackmailing his way to seemingly unassailable hegemony over the professional wrestling business during the 1980s, the mid-‘90s would see WWF owner Vince McMahon finally discover what it felt like to be on the receiving end of unscrupulous business practices backed up by superior financial clout. The worm began to turn on McMahon in early ’93, when TV mogul Ted Turner made the decision to hand over control of faltering interest World Championship Wrestling to an ambitious young upstart named Eric Bischoff - setting in motion a series of events that would alter the face of the industry forever.

Unlike his predecessors, Bischoff wasn’t entrenched in the southern wrasslin’ culture that had left WCW appearing hokey and dated in comparison to their East Coast rival’s bright lights and family-friendly, larger than life characters. He didn’t think twice about introducing radical changes that would inevitably alienate the promotion’s core fan base, who shunned McMahon’s cartoonish ‘sports entertainment’, in favour of the grittier, more in ring-focused ideals that had been upheld with mixed results by past regimes. Despite an inauspicious start, Bischoff was provided with the resources to begin aggressively pursuing WWF’s top stars, and in ’94 he successfully acquired two of their biggest names in Hulk Hogan and ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage.

Severely weakened by a steroid scandal that necessitated a de-emphasising of the juiced up stalwarts of his company’s lucrative heyday, McMahon turned to a younger crop of talent, labelled ‘the New Generation’, to lead the company in a different direction. However, such was the depth of riches available to billionaire Turner’s camp that even keeping hold of these largely unproven commodities was becoming increasingly difficult, with freshly minted headline acts Kevin ‘Diesel’ Nash and Scott ‘Razor Ramon’ Hall soon following Hogan and Savage out the door. By mid-’96, all that remained were Bret ‘the Hitman’ Hart and ‘the Heartbreak Kid’ Shawn Michaels; and WCW had their eye on both of them.

Shawn defeated Bret clean for the WWF Title at WrestleMania XII

During a seven-month absence directly following WrestleMania XII - where he had dropped the WWF Championship to Shawn in a 60-minute ‘Iron Man’ match - Bret, soon to be a free agent, became the subject of overtures from Bischoff, who was keen to snatch another prized asset from under his competitor’s nose. Bret was offered an eye-watering $8.4m over three years to make the jump, but instead opted to remain loyal to McMahon and accept a compromise 20-year deal that would net him a far lower salary, but came with the guarantee of a behind-the-scenes role once he was ready to retire from wrestling full-time. He eventually returned to the ring in November ‘96 at the annual Survivor Series pay-per-view, beginning a year of turmoil that would culminate with arguably the most controversial moment in pro wrestling history, the Montreal Screw Job.

In the months leading up to the Screw Job, which took place at the conclusion of a long-awaited rematch between Bret and Shawn at the ’97 edition of Survivor Series, the two men had engaged in a bitter feud that evolved from competitive rivalry to full-blow enmity. Insults that landed well beyond the boundary between storyline and real life were exchanged on a near-weekly basis, as each baited the other with accusations of feigned injuries, infidelity and even homosexuality during broadcasts of Monday Night Raw. Ironically, considering his fondness for referring to Bret as a ‘mark’ who took his TV persona too seriously, it was Shawn who brought attempted mediations to an impasse by declaring that he would never agree to lose a match to his nemesis, which of course prompted Bret to adopt an identical stance.

By the time November ‘97 rolled around, McMahon had decided to renege on the deal offered to Bret barely a year prior. He claimed that the WWF’s financial difficulties were such that he could no longer afford to pay the man he had once again crowned champion back in August, and encouraged the Hitman to reopen negotiations with Bischoff and move on. An agreement was soon reached with WCW which would allow Bret to make his debut one month after Survivor Series, where he was booked to drop the WWF Championship to Shawn in Montreal, Canada. This proved to be an issue for Bret, as his character had developed from archetypal babyface to a nationalistic, anti-American heel, making him simultaneously a villain in the United States and a hero in his homeland of Canada. As a result, he remained steadfast in his refusal to put Shawn over in front of a Canadian crowd, but insisted that he would be open to losing under more palatable circumstances.

The McMahons send their regards

Exasperated by the situation, McMahon eventually relented and agreed to allow the Survivor Series match to end in a non-finish, granting Bret’s wish to defer relinquishing the belt until they were back in the US. However, at some point in the days leading up to the event, McMahon conspired with Shawn, along with Pat Patterson and others, to double-cross Bret by prematurely calling for the bell when Shawn had him held in his own Sharpshooter submission. What followed will forever live in infamy, as Bret smashed ringside production equipment, traced the letters ‘W-C-W’with his finger in full view of the hard camera, and finally knocked McMahon down with a punch during a locker room confrontation. It would be nine years before he was seen on WWF/E television again.

How, you may ask, does any of this relate to Game of Thrones?

Like Bret Hart, Robb Stark was royalty in his northern home and an antagonistic rebel to those in the South. Already seated as acting Lord of Winterfell, Robb was declared King in the North by his bannermen after receiving word of his father Eddard ‘Ned’ Stark’s execution at the hands of Joffrey Baratheon. Even before poor old Ned lost his head, Robb had gathered his strength and moved towards King’s Landing, with the intention of freeing his father from the black cells and seceding from the Seven Kingdoms. However, getting an army south involved more than simply marching and fighting his way through the continent; and only when it was too late would he realise that the most important battles were fought not on the field, but at the negotiating table.

Despite its harrowing conclusion, it must be said that Robb’s campaign actually started out with no small measure of success on the political front. In knowing that he couldn’t cross the Green Fork river without first securing passage at the Twins, he was wise enough to send his mother, Catelyn, to treat with the elderly Lord of the Crossing, Walder Frey. With her superior experience, both in diplomacy and in dealing with the cantankerous Frey, Catelyn was able to strike a deal which would enable her son to lead his army safely into the Riverlands, where they would lift a Lannister siege on her own ancestral home at Riverrun. Following less than amicable discussions, Lord Walder’s price for aiding the Starks in their open rebellion would be a marriage contract, ensuring that King Robb take one of his daughters or granddaughters as his queen once the war was won.

Inspiration for the Kennel from Hell match?

It is after the betrothal to House Frey that Robb Stark’s 299 AC (After Conquest) begins to look a lot like Bret Hart’s 1997. In both cases, their greatest and most memorable periods would prove to be their last on the big stage, with Robb meeting a gruesome, arrow-filled end, and Bret suffering a fate worse than a gruesome, arrow-filled end - Vince Russo’s WCW. Despite the misgivings he expressed over turning heel, Bret went on to deliver arguably the best promos of his career during ’97, and being that he was still very much the Excellence of Execution between the ropes, the lengthy feuds he had with the likes of Shawn and ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin are rightly regarded as some of the best of their time. Similarly, Robb’s final months before his betrayal are the stuff of legend, as he defeated and imprisoned Jaime Lannister in the Whispering Wood, lifted the siege at Riverrun following the Battle of the Camps, and smashed Stafford Lannister at the Battle of Oxcross.

A major contrast between the two subjects is that while Bret had the rug pulled out from under him when McMahon revealed his wish to cancel their deal, it was Robb who broke his agreement with Lord Frey, albeit under much different circumstances. While recovering from wounds taken in the capture of the Crag, he learns of the apparent deaths of his younger brothers at the hands of his friend and confidant, Theon Greyjoy; and in his anguish sleeps with a daughter of the castle, Jeyne Westerling. Forever striving to follow the example set by his father, he makes the politically disastrous decision to marry Jeyne in order to preserve her honour, and immediately loses the support of the Freys as a result. The situation is made even worse when, stricken by grief for her murdered sons, Catelyn frees Jaime Lannister in exchange for his promise that he would do all he could to release her daughters, Sansa and Arya, from captivity in King’s Landing.

Having alienated a number of his key allies - so wroth was Lord Rickard Karstark after Jaime was sprung that he slaughtered two hostages, and had to be beheaded himself - Robb attempted to make amends by offering Ser Edmure Tully, his uncle and heir to Riverrun, in an alternative marriage arrangement to House Frey. The compromise was seemingly accepted, with a ceremony and feast held under Lord Walder’s roof at the Twins, only for the King in the North to be betrayed and murdered to the tune of ‘The Rains of Castamere’, which in wrestling terms is Tywin Lannister’s entrance theme. He followed his heart and did what he believed was right, even though an easier and more beneficial option was there to be taken; and he was stabbed through the heart by his own sworn bannerman for his trouble.

Just as Vince McMahon insisted that ‘Bret screwed Bret’, citing his refusal to do business the right way and drop the WWF Championship to Shawn Michaels, so too would Robb Stark be painted as the architect of his own demise by those who conspired against him. In A Dance with Dragons, Rhaegar Frey told the Merman’s Court:

‘Robb Stark betrayed us all. He abandoned the north to the cruel mercies of the ironmen to carve out a fairer kingdom for himself along the Trident. Then he abandoned the Riverlords who had risked much and more for him, breaking his marriage pact with my grandfather to wed the first western wench who caught his eye.’

Both Bret and Robb experienced the turmoil of ‘the human heart in conflict with itself’, a tenet of writing famously espoused by William Faulkner and adopted by George R. R. Martin, and both resolved to choose honour over duty. Each man held a crown that proved to be worthless once it was undermined by anyone willing to operate outside of the established rules of engagement - as McMahon did when he altered the predetermined finish of a match, and Lord Walder by disregarding the sacred custom of guest right, as well as the oath of fealty he swore to House Stark - and were ultimately undone by a misguided belief that others would abide by the same moral code that they themselves followed.

It’s fair to say that had Bret either gone to WCW at the first opportunity or agreed to lose to Shawn in Montreal, and if Robb had followed his mother’s advice and simply put Jeyne Westerling aside and married a Frey, their stories could have turned out very differently. They would, however, have only been swapping the treachery of others for a betrayal of themselves, and likely missed out on the immortality that comes with being remembered as a tragic hero.

@softparadeblog

Westeros Wrestling Entertainment: 5 Times that WWE and Game of Thrones Might Have Borrowed Storyline Ideas from One Another

As an unabashed pro wrestling fanatic, who has never quite managed to reverse the effects of being immersed from a young age in a culture of forged fracas and bogus bouts, I tend to view the world through a prism of suspended disbelief; and so it isn’t uncommon for me to come across situations that I believe mirror WWE storylines in pretty much every walk of life.

Admittedly, the vast majority of the comparisons I draw are figments of an imagination that has been conditioned by copious amounts of Vince McMahon Kool-Aid, and will fall down faster than Mick Foley hurtling from the roof of Hell in a Cell if subjected to any real scrutiny. I do, however, maintain that there are a few too many instances of clear similarities between WWE and Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire plots to be completely coincidental.

Have I stumbled across a discovery of Jon Snow’s parentage proportions, or should I listen to my dad and stop spending so much time watching oiled-up carnies stage phoney fights in their underwear? Here are five examples to help you decide.

5. Hellfire and Cleganebowl

The first, and perhaps most compelling, case for suggesting an element of light plagiarism could be levelled at WWE (then WWF) for the Undertaker and Kane storyline, which began less than a year after George R. R. Martin introduced the tragedy of the Mountain and the Hound in the opening book in the A Song of Ice and Fire series, A Game of Thrones (1996).

During a tournament held to celebrate Ned Stark’s ill-fated ascent to the office of Hand of the King, we learn through a conversation between Ned’s daughter Sansa and the conniving Littlefinger that two of the betting favourites, brothers Gregor ‘the Mountain’ and Sandor ‘the Hound’ Clegane, are in fact mortal enemies. When sweet, naive Sansa questions how such a thing could be possible, she is told of how, as children, the older Gregor pressed Sandor’s face into a burning brazier as punishment for playing with one of his discarded toys. The official explanation for the incident, which left little Sandor horrifically burnt, was an accidental bedding fire, contrived by the boys’ father in order protect his house’s reputation.

Gregor (right) and Sandor (left) clashed briefly at the Tourney of the Hand (Season 1/A Game of Thrones)

Fast forward to spring 1997, and newly crowned WWF Champion the Undertaker finds himself being blackmailed by his former manager Paul Bearer, who claims to possess knowledge of a dark secret that could destroy the Phenom’s career. After months of suspense, it is finally revealed that the fabled funeral parlour where Bearer once worked had been owned by the Undertaker’s family; that was until it was destroyed in a fire caused by Undertaker himself, killing both his parents and, he believed, his younger brother Kane.

As it turned out, Kane didn’t perished in the blaze, and had instead spent his life locked in an insane asylum, dreaming of the day when he could exact revenge on his famous sibling for ‘murdering’ (as Bearer put it) their parents, and leaving him hideously scarred both inside and out. That opportunity finally came when he was released into the care of Bearer - who, weirdly, we later found out was actually Kane’s natural father - presumably without disclosure of the plan to have him embark on a campaign of extreme violence, culminating with Undertaker being thrown into a casket that was then set on fire at the 1998 Royal Rumble.

With all of that in mind, the similarities between the last scions of House Clegane and the Brothers of Destruction are rather striking. Both Gregor and the Undertaker are renowned for their immense size and prowess in combat, leaving Sandor and Kane to share the burden of standing burnt to a pyrophobic crisp in their vast shadows. It is heavily implied throughout AsoIaF that Gregor, in his ‘rages’, disposed of his father, sister and first two wives, while Undertaker was the arsonist who was, albeit unintentionally (to hear him tell it), responsible for the fire that took his parents’ life. Gregor and Undertaker led their own dark, terrifying groups in the Mountain’s Men and the Ministry of Darkness, whereas Sandor and Kane, seeking acceptance having lost everything at the hands of their respective brothers, leveraged their own imposing physiques to achieve gainful employment within powerful groups - the Lannisters and the Corporation - whose malevolent actions would drive them to a crossroads from where they each resolved to follow their own moral compass.

Even as the Game of Thrones TV show passes the book series and begins wrapping up its version of Martin’s story, the parallels between these two inter-feuding families continue. Gregor has finally been slain in combat, only to return as an undead zombie warrior, which is basically the Undertaker’s original gimmick from his first WWF/E run in the early ‘90s; and Sandor, after a Kane and X-Pac-like buddy adventure with Arya Stark, followed by a period of reflection on the spiritual Quiet Isle, is learning to control his demons and even engage in fire cult rituals with his current companions, the Brotherhood Without Banners.

For many GoT and ASoIaF readers alike, the burning [ahem!] question remains will Gregor and Sandor ever have their own WrestleMania XIV, or ‘Cleganebowl’, as it’s commonly known; or perhaps, dare I say it, settle their differences and fight alongside one another, as the Undertaker and Kane did on numerous occasions down the years, in the coming War for the Dawn II against the Others? The altercation they had at the aforementioned Tourney of the Hand whetted the appetite by presenting them as near equals, and went some way towards confirming the suspicions that surround the deaths of the Clegane's father and sister, by demonstrating Gregor's disregard for the long-held Westerosi belief that there is 'none more accursed than the kinslayer'.

[Personally, I think that, in the show at least, Sandor will begrudgingly accept that UnGregor is his brother in appearance only, and agree to make use of him in battle. However, the Night King will then take control of the Mountain’s body - him being effectively a wight - and that’s when we’ll get the fight we’ve been waiting for.]

Although I’d be as excited as anyone to see Cleganebowl happen, to me there’s an even more pressing matter to be resolved. If Paul Bearer is Kane’s father, and his son is almost identical in size to the enormous Undertaker, exactly how big was their mother?

The seed isn't strong.

@softparadeblog

WCW Nitro, Episode 2

'The Match of the Century'

September 11, 1995

Live from downtown Miami, Florida, episode two of Monday Nitro begins with quite the pyro display, as Bischoff informs us that tonight’s show will feature ‘the match of the century’, with Hulk Hogan putting his WCW World Championship on the line against Lex Luger in our main event. Somewhat less exciting is the news that Scott Norton will also be in action, along with the debuting Sabu.

Mongo boards the hype train before it has time to so much as pull into the station, declaring with a slap of the table that this is where ‘the beef’ (?) is, and we get a recap of last week’s show-closing confrontation between champion and challenger. The highlight of this exchange was definitely the part where Hogan told Luger that he didn’t have to wait a week for a title shot, before pencilling him in for exactly a week’s time.

One man feeling particularly unenthused about last Monday’s events is Vader, who, according to Bischoff, has gone AWOL in the wake of Luger’s line-skipping escapades. Having made the cardinal sin of ‘not filing the proper documents’ before taking annual leave, The Mastodon has been removed from Sunday’s Fall Brawl: War Games pay per view main event, leaving Hogan and friends with just six days to find another partner for their battle against muscular dystrophy. For the sake of those suffering children we saw hanging around with Randy Savage last week, one can only hope that a suitable replacement will soon be found.

Match One: Sabu vs. ‘Das Wunderkind’ Alex Wright 

Following on from last week’s Brian Pillman/Jushin Liger opener, we’re again treated to a bout between two solid workers to kick things off, as Sabu makes his WCW debut against the German Alex Wright. Heenan tells Mongo that Sabu has been suspended from 17 countries, so knowing how difficult it is to enter the United States with any sort of blemish on your record, it’s something of a miracle that he’s made it here tonight. It’s also worth noting that Wright defeated Diamond Dallas Page 24 hours earlier to earn his spot in this match. I couldn’t really tell you why it’s worth noting – it just is.

Sabu sets a quick pace early, hitting a couple of arm drags before choking Wright on the mat and setting him up for a low springboard elbow. A flying headscissors by Sabu sends both men crashing to the outside, but the Suicidal, Homicidal, Death-defying Maniac gets straight back up and nails his opponent with a baseball slide followed by a somersault senton, leaving them both laid out at ringside again.

With Wright prone against the guardrail, Sabu attempts a flying attack of some sort (it’s difficult to tell which part of his body he intended to use), but the Techno Technician gets out of dodge at the last second, and Sabu instead takes a pretty nasty bump into the railings. Heenan suggests that Sabu has never been happier as he rolls around in a barely-conscious heap, absorbing kicks from a reinvigorated Wunderkind, who picks him up before sticking him down again with a pair of European uppercuts and a nicely executed dropkick.

Showing impressive fire, Wright continues his comeback with a hard scoop slam on the floor before rolling Sabu into the ring and going off the top with a beautiful missile dropkick, which sends him sprawling back to the outside. Wright hits a baseball slide and suicide dive in quick succession, and Heenan remarks that a man like Sabu would use, amongst other things, a person’s wooden leg as a weapon if he had to.

Alex ‘Das Liu Kang’ Wright

They kind of suddenly begin moving towards the finish, with Wright hitting a lovely snapped superplex, and Sabu barely connecting with a sloppy springboard spin kick. An Irish whip into the corner sees Wright moonsault over Sabu, land on his feet and nail a picture perfect German suplex for two. However, he gets caught trying to go up top again, and after finding himself crotched on the ropes takes a modified Arabian Skullcrusher for the one-two-three.

Winner: Sabu, via pinfall (Arabian Skullcrusher) 

Sabu heels it up by kicking Wright out of the ring and dropping him face first onto the apron, before setting up a worryingly robust-looking table and then putting him straight through it with a dive from the top rope. Given the thickness of the wood and proximity of a nearby guardrail, it’s incredible that neither man is seriously hurt, which is perhaps why referee Nick Patrick is moved to reverse the decision and award Wright the victory by DQ. The boys in the production truck then make an odd decision to end the replay package for this match with Wright’s entrance.

Winner: Alex Wright, via Disqualification (ECW shit)

‘WC-dub! WC-dub!’

 According to a graphic, Sting vs. Michael ‘IRS’ Wall Street is up next, but the first thing we see after an ad break is Mean Gene holding court in the ring. Standing right in front of an ECW sign in the crowd, he introduces the then-eleven time World Heavyweight Champion, ‘The Nature Boy’ Ric Flair. Gene commends Flair for his performance in a South Beach bar the previous night, before confirming that he’ll face his friend and former stablemate Arn Anderson at the upcoming Fall Brawl: War Games.

Flair laments the fact that instead of joining him for evenings of largesse and debauchery, Anderson now spends his free time engaging in more age-appropriate activities in his hotel room, such as speaking to his wife and son on the phone. Flair breaks out the Horsemen fingers and reminisces about better days, but before we can venture too far down memory lane, number one contender (and a former Horseman himself) Lex Luger decides to hit the ring.

Flair lauds Luger as ‘The Total Package’, and begins reeling off his measurements while informing Hogan that his days as champion are numbered. Luger basically no-sells Flair’s promo, telling him he’s ‘too much’, before turning on his heels and heading back to the locker room. Make that two weeks in a row where Luger has shown up in the middle of a segment and appeared to have no idea what he’s supposed to say or do.

The commentary team discusses Sunday’s War Games pay per view, and Heenan confides that despite having warm feelings towards both Flair and Anderson, the recent poor attitude shown by the latter is causing him to root for the former. Mongo is about to chime in with his thoughts on the matter, but Bischoff shows mercy and hands us over to the ring announcer, who is introducing the next match.

Flair receives his South Beach bar bill live on air.

Match Two: United States Title: Sting (champion) vs. V.K Wall Street 

Not only does Mike Rotunda’s new character embody the spirit of Wall Street, he actually lives there too. Another surprise is that since last week the former tax inspector has dropped the name Michael in favour of ‘V.K’, as in Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Obviously even the most blatant parody of a gimmick which was itself a parody could have WCW wondering if they’re not being just a little bit too subtle, and so the act has been tweaked accordingly.

Sting enters to a decent pop, sporting an Ultimate Warrior-esque face paint design. Bischoff then ups the anti-Vince ante by telling us not to bother switching over to RAW (which was still pre-taped at the time), because it’s already been in the can three weeks and he knows that ‘Shawn Michaels beats the big guy with a super kick’. Any remaining doubts about whose is the superior product are squashed when Mongo points out that the WWF named their show after uncooked eggs.

Wall Street discards the suit and tie he walked out in, revealing a pretty hilarious singlet, complete with Ted Dibiase-style gold dollar signs. Bischoff again brings up Vader’s removal from Sunday’s PPV, only this time claiming it’s a result of him not submitting the necessary paperwork to register as a member of Hogan’s team. Considering there are still six days to go before the event, it seems a little premature to axe someone advertised for the main event over a simple clerical issue; that is unless they’re also taking into account his aforementioned failure to fill out an official annual leave request form before going home.

Wall Street gets the action going with a quick fireman’s carry, as Mongo lets us know that him and his old NFL buddies, including ‘all-time great’ Reggie White, would always watch wrestling instead of American football. Heenan asks if Reggie is any relation to Barry, but it goes over Mongo’s head as Sting unloads with right hands in the corner, leading into a tie-up, a hip toss off the ropes and a pair of drop kicks. Sting whips Wall Street from corner to corner with such force that it sends him rolling to the outside, and the WWF bashing continues on commentary. It’s interesting to note how quiet Heenan gets whenever Bischoff and Mongo decide to start taking shots at his former employer.

Sting levels The Five Dollar Man.

Wall Street turns the tide by using Sting’s own momentum to send him hurtling through the ropes, and he lands hard on the arena floor. There’s no repeat of the hardcore shenanigans Sabu got up to, however, as V.K’s no holds barred repertoire begins and ends with bouncing Sting’s head off the apron before rolling back inside and jaw-jacking with the ref.

Sting propels himself over the top but doesn’t really connect with a flying shoulder block, and Wall Street capitalises with a headbutt to the stomach and consecutive elbow drops. We then get a few classic IRS face bumps off the turnbuckle, followed by a Stinger Splash and top rope cross-body for the finish.

Winner: Sting, via pinfall (flying cross-body) 

We go to another commercial, after which Bischoff breaks the news that this week’s episode of WCW Saturday Night will mark the debut of The Disco Inferno, in addition to featuring must-see action between shameless Warrior rip-off Renegade and generic bodybuilder Max Muscle, as well as Big Bubba (wearing a trilby hat on his graphic) going one of one with Dave Sullivan, who apparently carries a rabbit to the ring. There is one match worth looking forward to, though, as Brian Pillman will take on Alex Wright.

Match Three: ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage vs. Scott Norton

After almost coming to blows at the announce table last week, Savage and Norton are given the opportunity to settle their not very well-defined differences. Norton is out first, and Mongo nails his colours to the mast straight away by saying he should have taken this guy’s head of last week when he had the chance. Heenan reminds him of his responsibilities as a commentator, and they discuss which position Norton would likely play in an NFL team.

Savage gets a solid pop when a weird remixed version of ‘Pomp and Circumstance’ hits, but Norton, who we’re told is a former arm wrestling champion, cuts him off before he can properly milk the adulation of the crowd. Norton puts Savage down with a short-arm clothesline, before again pointing out Mongo – or ‘McNuggets’, as Heenan calls him – and shouting that he’s next. Mongo continues to talk tough, while Heenan and Bischoff plan their exit strategies for when the trouble starts.

Norton continues to dominate the early going, blocking a sunset flip attempt and then hoisting Savage up into a two-handed choke lift. Just as we hear that Norton benches in excess of 500lbs, Savage rallies with an arm drag and clothesline over the top. Savage goes from the top rope to the floor with a flying axe handle, rolls Norton inside and then lays him flat with another hard clothesline. Savage again goes up top and dives at Norton, but is caught in mid-air and dropped to the mat after a brief bear hug.

The commentators speculate on the injuries those two or three squeezes could have caused Savage – with diagnoses ranging from floating rib to ‘popped heart’ – as the ruler of the Kingdom of the Madness sells big. They seem quite keen on pushing the idea of Norton possessing Herculean strength, with Savage’s potential ailments now thought to be as serious as a busted spleen or broken back. Norton carries on working the lower back, dropping Savage with shots to the kidneys before hitting a Jackknife powerbomb which is good for two.

Scot Norton suddenly remembers that he doesn’t know how to do a back flip.

Not one to miss a chance to bring up his football days, Mongo says he’s played against bruisers like Norton before, and advises Savage to just hang on until the fourth quarter. Norton has no intention of allowing the match go on long enough for Savage’s cardio to become a factor, however, and scoops him up for a series of back breakers, leading into a nearly-botched military slam. Savage is then Irish whipped into a hard powerslam for another two count, and Mongo offers some comfort by suggesting that some players have their best games when they’re unconscious. It’s still not really clear whether or not he knows this isn’t actually an NFL game

Savage shows he’s still in the fight by ducking under a clothesline and hitting the ropes, but he’s caught on the return with a shoulder block which sends him sprawling to the outside. Norton pulls him up onto the apron by his throat, and then proceeds to hit what started off looking like a slingshot suplex, but ended up being a rather dangerous elevated DDT. Bischoff does nothing to allay our fears for Savage’s safety by mentioning how Norton has ‘crippled a lot of people in Japan’, just as the behemoth takes to the top rope. Thankfully, though, Savage shows his ring savvy by sidestepping Norton’s flying lunge and pushing him down face-first into the mat.

We finally get the Savage comeback, as he pushes Norton into the corner with a leaping knee and then whips him to other side, where he fires with jabs and right hands. The whole thing is ruined as quickly as it starts, though, as Earthquake (dressed as a shark) and Kamala run down, only for both to be undone by Savage sending Norton into the ropes as they attempt to lumber in. Earthquake (apparently now known as ‘Avalanche’) somehow manages to be knocked completely unconscious, and finds himself lying on top of Norton’s legs, inadvertently pinning him down long enough for Savage to score with the elbow and steal a win.

No longer Natural, but still very much a Disaster.

Winner: Randy Savage, via pinfall (flying elbow drop)

The rest of the Dungeon hits the ring, but Savage escapes in the nick of time. The Task Master proceeds to run around waving his wizard’s staff, while Brutus ‘Zodiac Man’ Beefcake thrusts his hips at a cameraman and Norton gets in Earthquake’s face. The troops file out before Norton is able to get any meaningful retribution, leaving him with no recourse other than to stand on the bottom rope and shout ‘fuck!’

Match Four: World Heavyweight Title: Hulk Hogan (champion) vs. Lex Luger 

Hogan puts his title on the line for the second week in a row, this time against former Narcissist Lex Luger, who Bischoff reminds us was still wresting for the WW (F redacted) just nine days ago. They run another commercial for Sunday’s muscular dystrophy-themed instalment of War Games, and it’s unclear whether Vader’s inclusion on it is a result of him finally getting the necessary paperwork to the front office, or simply an oversight on the part of the producers.

Out comes Hogan, prompting a bit of politically incorrect back and forth, as Mongo declares the Hulkster a ‘real man’, to which Heenan replies by asking if he thinks Luger is ‘a midget’. They begin planting the seeds for what I can only assume will be yet another slapstick run in by the Dungeon, with Heenan wondering if Hogan’s mind isn’t on Sunday’s showdown with Sullivan and the gang. Mongo again draws on his football experience in order to let us know the potential pitfalls of looking beyond your next opponent.

We get underway with Bischoff still listing the possibly life-threatening injuries suffered by Savage in the previous match, and how it could mean Hogan is now down to just the one partner for his match at War Games. They tie up, and Luger pushes Hogan into the corner and slaps him lightly on the chest. The champion returns the favour, only he decides to take the moral high ground and allow a clean break, before demonstrating his seldom-seen catch wrestling skills, in a sequence ending with what has to be the slowest transition from a half-nelson to a front face lock ever recorded.

‘You don’t leave this ring without finishing your Pastamania, brother!’

Hogan uses the position to stand and hit a suplex (which Bischoff calls a snapmare for some reason), but Luger bounces straight back to his feet and meets an unsuspecting Hogan with one of his own bodybuilding poses. After a brief rest period, Hogan telegraphs a back body drop off the ropes and takes a suplex, but it turns out to be nothing more than an opportunity for him to quickly get his heat back, as he takes his turn to immediately pop up and start flexing.

The crowd is hot for Hogan as he assumes control of the match, allowing Bischoff to take another swing at McMahon by pointing out that Luger isn’t used to facing competition of this calibre. Luger is thrown into the corner but manages to avoid being run over by the Ho(gan) Train, and retaliates with a scoop powerslam before getting Hogan up for the always cool-looking Torture Rack submission. Heenan screams for the bell as the champion looks to be fading, when Luger inexplicably decides to drop him without the referee making a call.

After a short argument with the ref, Luger tries for a pin but Hogan kicks out with authority at two, and begins his ‘Hulk up’ routine. Luger unloads with a barrage of kicks and punches that Hogan wouldn’t sell to feed his starving family, and gets a finger in the face, three punches and a big boot for his trouble. Hogan drops the leg but isn’t quick enough to cover before word gets backstage to send in the clowns, and so Beefcake arrives on cue to force a disqualification, with Task Master Sullivan and the rest of the goons in tow.

Drama now, as Savage rises from his deathbed to help Sting make the save, causing a mass brawl which culminates in Kamala being thrown over the top with such a lack of grace and athleticism that he ends up bundling through the middle ropes head first, with his legs and feet eventually following some time later. The faces stand tall momentarily, until Hogan ruins it by shoving Luger and accusing him of being in cahoots with Sullivan as we go to the final ad break.

Scheme Gene investigates.

Just like last week, the closing segment sees Mean Gene attempt to bring some much-needed diplomacy to an escalating situation, as Hogan demands to know why the Dungeon didn’t lay a hand on Luger during the latest fracas – a question which Savage says goes double for him. Sting intervenes on his friend’s behalf, and puts him forward as the ideal replacement for Vader on Sunday, but this serves only to send Savage spiralling further into a paranoid frenzy, and he’s now accusing Sting, as well as Hogan’s manager Jimmy Hart, of colluding with Sullivan.

Suddenly Hogan stirs, having finally figured out what Sting is suggesting, and in a moment of pure symbolism is given the final say on whether or not Luger makes the team – essentially booking the main event. For his part, Luger still hasn’t given any indication that he actually wants to join this ragtag band of heroes, but with Sting’s encouragement he accepts Hogan’s eventual offer, on the proviso that he’ll receive another title shot somewhere down the line.

We go off air with Heenan naming Savage as the only trustworthy member of Hogan’s team, and the promise of an appearance by The Nasty Boys next week.

WCW Nitro, Episode 1

'Where the Big Boys Play!'

September 4, 1995

Live from the Mall of America in Minneapolis, Minnesota, the debut of WCW’s flagship programme certainly achieves its key aim of distinguishing itself from WWF’s Monday Night RAW. The sight of people hanging over balconies and peering down from escalators creates a unique sense of spectacle – a feel of something different than the hokey wrestling shows you could happen upon in any dilapidated bingo hall across ‘90s America.

Lead announcer Eric Bischoff kicks off proceedings by greeting the television audience and introducing us to babyface colour commentator Steve McMichael, who was apparently a very accomplished NFL goon in his day. ‘Mongo’, as McMichael is affectionately known, immediately demonstrates his willingness to embrace the spirit of sports entertainment by dressing up like Steven Seagal, but is cut-off during his maiden voyage into the waters of nonsensical rambling (something about digging ditches with farming tools) by none other than Bobby ‘The Brain’ Heenan.

Although he ended up phoning it in towards the end of his WCW run, Heenan still brought credibility and genuine wit to the broadcast team as its heel voice, and he even manages to shrug off Mongo’s bizarre use of an electric hand buzzer without creating an awkward scene when the two met here. The commentary dynamic is established as Bischoff tells Heenan to repeat the insults he supposedly levelled at Mongo the night before, only for The Brain to do a complete 180 and insist that he has nothing but the utmost respect for his new colleague in the booth.

Match One: ‘Flyin’’ Brian Pillman vs. Jushin ‘Thunder’ Liger

The action gets under way with a match between New Japan Pro Wrestling standout Jushin ‘Thunder’ Liger, and future loose cannon ‘Flyin’’ Brian Pillman. Pillman, we’re told, is just four weeks removed from a year-long absence due to a broken leg, but Heenan says he still expects to see him jumping off an escalator at some point. Liger appears to be paying homage to the Red Power Ranger with his outfit, and gets the high spots going early by hitting a surprisingly clumsy moonsault and cartwheel kick, followed by one of the worst hurricanrana sells you’ll see from anybody not named Kane or Big Show. Liger goes Daniel Bryan on Flyin’ Brian with a surfboard submission – he does it better than anybody else in the world, according to Bischoff – and then rolls nicely into a face lock.

‘I don’t surf. I have someone do it for me.’ – Bobby Heenan

Pillman takes a nasty spill over the top rope, and Liger follows him with a rolling senton off the apron, which Bischoff calls a kick to the head. Heenan attempts to cover for Liger’s sloppiness by pointing out that he’s been favouring an injured leg, and within seconds the Japanese is at it again, taking a suplex to the outside like a Saturday night drunk trying to sandbag a bouncer. Bischoff announces that WCW is where the best live, suggesting some sort of boarding arrangement, as Pillman goes up top and nails Liger with a cross body on the floor. There is a strange moment as Mongo tells Pillman to ‘give it to him how he wants it’, but Heenan makes the save by changing topic before any further exposition can take place.

Brian again tries to go flyin’, only for Liger to cut him off with a dangerously snapped superplex for a two count. Now it’s Thunder’s turn to take a risk, only for his attempted cross body from the top to be countered with a nice dropkick which gets two – Mongo reacts to this by asking how many more athletes Heenan will underestimate tonight, with the number currently standing at zero. The pendulum swings again as Liger hits a powerbomb which is only good for two, and follows it up with a beautifully executed hurricanrana from the top rope for another near fall. He sets up to go for it again, but this time Pillman is able to counter with a tornado DDT out of the corner and gets a two count of his own. However, Liger’s resilience appears to have reached its limit, as seconds later his attempted German suplex is reversed into a roll up by Pillman, who holds on for the 1-2-3.

Winner: ‘Flyin’’ Brian Pillman, via pinfall (roll up).

 Pillman and Liger shake hands, much to the disgust of Heenan, and we get a mercifully short Surfer Sting promo before time-hopping back to earlier in the day, when Bischoff interviewed WCW World Champion Hulk Hogan at his new Pastamania restaurant, conveniently located at the Mall of America.

The first thing we notice about Hogan is that about 1/3 of him appears to be missing. He is a shadow of the man whose 24’’ pythons were the cornerstones of American pro wrestling throughout the 1980s and early ‘90s, having been forced to get off the juice in the wake of a steroid scandal which saw him testify in Federal court in exchange for immunity during the trial of his former employer, Vince McMahon. He does at least have the decency to address his altered physique, noting that despite an enormous intake of Hulk-A-Roos and Hulk-U’s, he’s slim and trim, and ready to force a Hulk-A-Roo down Big (Boss Man) Bubba’s throat after their match tonight. The threat turned out to be more prophetic than the Hulkster probably intended, as Pastamania would run wild for less than a year before going bust – suggesting that the only patrons of this ill-fated franchise were the ones Hogan dragged there himself.

‘I’ve got Pastamania running through my brain!’ – Hulk Hogan

Match Two: United States Title: Sting (champion) vs. ‘The Nature Boy’ Ric Flair

 In-ring action resumes with a US title match between two men who are, as Mongo so eloquently puts it, ‘the purest in the world, with their wrestling moves.’ We get our first dig at Monday Night RAW, as McMichael adds, ‘if you’re not watching this, you may as be watching-’ only for Bischoff to cut him off before he can mention the competition by name. Heenan asks if they’re talking about the Weather Channel.

Flair is out first, followed by defending champion Sting, who is wearing a ludicrous Sgt Pepper/Saturday Night Fever-inspired ensemble that even Chris Jericho would think tacky. The bell rings, but before we can get underway Lex Luger makes a very surprising return to WCW, having wrestled on a WWF house show the previous night. There is an awkward moment as Luger and Sting lock eyes, and the former Narcissist attempts to telepathically ask his friend why he told him tonight’s dress code was Wuthering Heights. Bischoff calls for security to have Luger removed from the building, but Heenan points out that they’re in a public mall.

Realising that a run-in doesn’t really work unless the match has actually started, Luger retreats back to the Lex Express, prompting further debate amongst the commentary team about his intentions. Sting displays impressive strength and athleticism early with back to back leapfrogs and a pair of military press slams, followed by a nicely executed drop kick which sends Flair rolling out onto the floor for a breather. Naitch regroups and catches Sting with a thumb to the eye, allowing him to seize the upper hand and unload with chops in the corner. Sting decides to stop selling Flair’s offence, and backs him up with a series of aggressive poses before hitting yet another press slam. They spill out of the ring momentarily, but Sting manages to press Flair all the way back inside, where they go back and forth until the classic Flair bump off the top rope, which leads to – you guessed it – another press slam and our first near fall.

Just as the gang manages to get over Luger’s impromptu appearance, we’re treated to another run-in when Arn Anderson, resplendent in his mid-‘90s track and field finery, makes his way down to ringside. Heenan has it on good authority that Anderson and Flair have patched things up, as the challenger briefly regains control of the match by capitalising on a missed top rope splash and nailing the champ with a signature delayed vertical suplex. However, Sting resolves to shut up shop again, immediately rises to his feet and clocks a stylin’ and profilin’ Flair with two clotheslines. Flair attempts to beg Sting off in the corner, but is whipped up and over on the opposite side, and then taken off his feet with another hard lariat out on the apron.

‘You know who I am, but you don’t care why I’m here.’

Flair continues to bump all over the place, before eventually fighting his way out of a superplex spot and trading near falls on the mat. Sting again puts Flair up top for a superplex and finally hits it, causing the dirtiest player in the game to writhe around as though he’s being electrocuted. The subject of Luger’s current whereabouts is again brought up, and Mongo suggests that he’s probably gone for a bite to eat at Pastamania. For some reason Sting then decide to focus his attention on the stoic Anderson, allowing Flair to hit a chop block from behind and slap on the Figure Four Leglock. It initially appears as though Sting is going to no-sell this as well, but after a few seconds of mean mugging and beating his chest, he suddenly acknowledges the pain and tries in vain to turn over. Flair grabs onto the ropes for added leverage, and after several unsuccessful attempts to break his grip on a five count, the ref has seen enough and calls for the bell.

Being the Enforcer that he is, Anderson gets in and interrupts the hold himself. Flair doesn’t want any trouble, and offers a handshake to his former long-time friend and partner, but when Anderson responds by revealing a naked torso beneath his track suit top, Flair sees the writing on the wall and starts throwing punches. Arn fires back and chases Flair to the locker room, as Heenan is forced to concede that he must have been fed bad intel regarding the former Horsemen’s relationship. Anderson returns to ringside, briefly teasing a confrontation with Sting, but it turns out he just wants his snazzy jacket back.

Winner: Sting, via DQ.

 Next we hear the sound of a fracas taking place down near the commentary table, where a man I’ve never seen before is confronting Heenan, Bischoff and McMichael, furious about something or another. Mongo stands his ground long enough for ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage to run down and make the save, spinning the assailant around and showing him what a real crazy person looks like. The two are about to get in the ring and settle their differences, but Bischoff suddenly becomes concerned with bout sanctioning rules and regulations, and orders security to remove the man while Savage continues to go berserk up on the turnbuckle. Bischoff tells him that if he sets one foot in the ring, he’ll never wrestle for WCW again, resulting in a very audible cry of ‘bull shit!’ from the disgruntled employee. The segment ends with Bischoff introducing a pretty cool video package for Sabu, whose run with Turner is news to me.

We’re back, and Mean Gene is in the ring cracking wise. He congratulates Mike Hill of Cullman, Alabama on winning a Harley Davidson sweepstake, and then Bischoff finally informs us that the man causing a ruckus at ringside just a few moments ago was in fact Scott Norton. They plug an upcoming edition of WCW Saturday Night, with a double main even of Johnny B. Badd (Marc Mero) vs. Dick Slater, and a tag match between Sting/Savage and The Blue Bloods, who can’t be that good as they don’t even have a graphic.

Arn Anderson’s fashion sense is often – and unfairly – overlooked.

Time for another vignette, as IRS, apparently now going by the name Michael Wall Street, cuts a thinly veiled promo criticising Vince McMahon’s so-called ‘New Generation’ of wrestlers that can actually work a decent match, and does so while wearing a blazer he must have stolen from Ted DiBiase’s wardrobe on his way out of Titan Towers. His monologue fits neatly within the company rhetoric of how WCW is now the place where ‘the big boys play’, although he neglects to mention the fact no one had even noticed that he’d jumped ship until now.

Match Three: World Heavyweight Title: Hulk Hogan (champion) vs. Big (Boss Man) Bubba Rogers

 I have no idea why the Big Boss Man would wrestle in a full business suit, but that’s what’s happening here. He makes his way to the ring with little fanfare, unlike the Hulkster, who gets a big pop for his Real American rip-off entrance. ‘The Mouth of the South’ Jimmy Hart is in tow, dressed as Apollo Creed, and despite Mongo’s fawning, Heenan declares himself unimpressed with the reigning, defending World Champion.

In the midst of the usual pre-match shirt ripping routine, Bischoff informs us that Randy Savage vs. Scott Norton has been signed for next week’s Nitro in Miami, giving us all something to look forward to. Hogan’s too-long half head of hair provides a distraction from the off, waving as it does in a lighter field of gravity than the one the rest of us occupy. This, coupled with his leaner physique, causes him to bear a quite striking resemblance to the White Walkers from HBO’s Game of Thrones.

Boss Man, whose bizarre outfit is almost as diverting as Hogan’s hair, gets us off to the races with a rest hold, but the champion breaks free and demonstrates his new Pastamania-inspired speed and agility off the ropes. Talking of speed, the commentary team marvels at the Boss Man’s boxing, with Heenan going so far as to claim he has the fastest hands in the sport, after former Golden Gloves champion Mero of course. Heenan continues to big up Boss Man’s refined arsenal, noting how his martial arts background, wrestling knowledge and past career as a corrections officer serve to make him a formidable opponent for anyone. Mongo then throws all of that out of the window by stating, ‘he’s a brawler, plain and simple,’ before describing Hogan as ‘a technician’.

‘You better say your prayers and eat your Pastamania, brother!’

Hogan catches Boss Man coming in for a corner splash with a big boot, not once but twice, with the second shot sending the challenger down to the mat in instalments. Heenan does his best to get Kevin Sullivan’s Dungeon of Doom stable over as a legitimate threat, but listening to the names he reels off, it’s difficult not to envision a selection of absolute no-hopers (Zodiac Man, The Shark, Task Master, etc). There is an odd spot where Hogan is unloading with punches on a downed Boss Man – giving us a great view of a Hogan Sucks sign on the front row – and the referee resolves to pretty aggressively pull what’s left of his hair to break the sequence. Notoriously touchy about his fragile locks, Hogan turns to confront the ref, allowing Boss Man to hit an uppercut and lay him out on the middle rope. Boss Man inexplicably goes outside to intimidate Jimmy Hart, handing control back to Hogan, who throws him inside and uses Hart’s jacket to cover his head while delivering mounted punches in the corner.

Hogan continues to rough Boss Man up, but once against falls victim to that fabled hand speed, prompting Mongo to ask Heenan if this isn’t the best wrestling action he’s ever seen. Boss Man misses with The Ho Train, but catches Hogan with a sidewalk slam off the ropes for two. Hogan decides he’s sold enough for one day, and begins his patented Hulk up routine: no sell → Finger Poke of Doom → punches → Irish whip → big boot → big leg → profit.

Winner: Hulk Hogan, via pinfall (leg drop).

 Before the obligatory pose down can take place, The Dungeon of Doom, comprised of Kevin Sullivan in some kind of Flash costume, a Crow Sting/Ultimate Warrior hybrid and Kamala descend upon Hogan. The Shark (Earthquake) and Meng (Haku) take so long getting to the ring that Luger has already ran in and started making the save by the time they arrive. Luger and Hogan bump into each other and go face to face, shouting at one another until Sting and Savage show up to try and calm things down. Mongo says it’s the most amazing turn of events he has ever seen.

We go to a break with the scene continuing to escalate, and they air a promo for the upcoming Fall Brawl: War Games, where Hogan, Savage, Sting and Vader will join forces in the battle against Muscular Dystrophy. Fighting on behalf of the disease will be the aforementioned Dungeon of Doom, who I can only hope were known as The Dungeon of Dystrophy for one night only.

I can’t even…

Back in the ring, and it’s boots on the ground reporting from Mean Gene. He manages to trick Hogan into confessing that he’s worried about Luger taking his spot, followed by further jabs at the WWF, with Luger claiming he got tired of ‘playing around with kids’. Hogan shows uncharacteristically poor negotiation skills by countering Luger’s offer to wait five years for a title shot by agreeing to face him next week, although he does qualify this sudden turnabout in confidence (seconds ago he was fretting over his future) by pointing out that the Pastamaniacs will be right behind him in Miami.