ROMSHELL!

That’d be a popular headline if the newspapers were remotely arsed about the fact that Romelu Lukaku doesn't seem overly keen on a permanent move to Everton.

Fresh from giving a rather poor account of himself at the World Cup, the big Belgian goal plunderer has gone off on holiday, presumably leaving his agent with instructions to find him the Champions League club of his dreams.

While you could imagine David Moyes sitting forlornly in his office, like Stan waiting for a reply from Eminem, Roberto Martinez remains typically upbeat about the situation, and seems content to just let this one play out. He’s obviously not going to come out say it, but much of his apparent confidence in the deal coming off probably stems from the belief that no club really fits the young striker’s alleged criteria.

As clinical as he is in front of goal, Lukaku still has gaping holes in his game that will preclude him from leading the line in a team which competes regularly for the highest honours. In short, his first touch and general holdup play are shite, and that won’t wash with snides like Jose Mourinho, who incidentally is the manager at Lukaku’s parent club Chelsea.

Other big clubs are said to be interested, most notably Atletico Madrid and Juventus – both champions of their respective leagues – and even Christmas and Easter title winners Liverpool were rumoured to have made an enquiry before snapping up the annoyingly excellent Loic Remy last week.

Wolfsburg has been mooted as another possible destination, mainly because they’re minted now, but despite this nouveau rich status they’re unlikely to trouble the Bayern Munich-Borussia Dortmund duopoly anytime soon. Like Everton, they had a great season but still only finished fifth, so unless Lukaku decides that he may as well earn as much moolah as possible if he has to lower himself to playing in the Europa League, it’s not somewhere I’d expect to see him go in the near future.

There is, of course, also the option of him simply signing a new deal at Chelsea. It would sort of make sense given that they loaned him out so he’d return to them a better player, but with Diego Costa arriving for £32m there’s little chance of him making anything like the number of starts he did at Goodison (and lots of other grounds) last season. To be honest, coming off the bench and rotating with more experienced forwards would probably suit him well at this point, but luckily he seems reluctant to accept a supporting role now that he’s tasted life as a leading man.

Everton face a tough start to the upcoming campaign, travelling to newly promoted Leicester City and then hosting Arsenal and Chelsea in the week before the transfer window closes. With that in mind, it’d be remiss for the club to again wait until the last minute to get their business done, and so we could reach a point where Martinez is forced to drop the nice guy act and tell Lukaku to put up or shut up, pal, as we’re not prepared to write-off nine points just so you’ve got time to see if Costa looks like he could end up being a bit shit.

Oh, and in other young Belgian striker-related news, Everton are said to be closing in on 18 year old David ‘Cardinal’ Henan, about whom little is known but much shall be expected.

Goodbye to All That

‘It will all be over by Christmas,’ they said, and after one hundred years they finally made good on their promise to bring our brave boys home before we know it.

England fell at the group stage of a World Cup for the first time since 1958, their elimination secured before a ball was kicked in the final game against have a go heroes Costa Rica. A solitary point spared Roy Hodgson’s media-approved squad the ignominy of being known as the worst in its country’s history, but despite stiff competition from woeful World champions Spain they still managed to observe their proud tradition of always being by far the most dire of the teams with a minimum wage of £50,000 a week.

Much of the blame for England’s two defeats was quite rightly laid at the feet of Everton duo Leighton Baines and Phil Jagielka – both of whom had the temerity to not only turn up for the flight to Brazil, but also play when asked. Better, more patriotic men would have stepped aside and allowed giants of international football such as John Terry (0 World Cups, 0 European Championships) and Ashley Cole (0 World Cups, 0 European Championships) to link up with perennial winners Frank Lampard (0 World Cups, 0 European Championships) and Steven Gerrard (0 World Cups, 0 European Championships) for the good of the nation, but those two selfish bastards didn't even consider it.

Baines in particular was horribly out of his depth, evidenced by the fact he wasn't up to the simple task of marking two players at once while simultaneously holding the hand of a forward who is twelve years into his career. The good news for England is that Hodgson has already identified a suitable replacement in Manchester United’s new £27m left-back Luke Shaw, who is already twice the player Baines is and will only get better. The 18 year old Southampton youth product has the combination of defensive steel and attacking prowess required of full-backs in the modern game, and will almost certainly probably improve on last season’s tally of no goals and one assist.

Like most people of pension age, Hodgson is constantly learning and evolving, so fans can rest assured that he will have taken the lessons of this fantastically entertaining World Cup on board. For example, the plight of Spain and success of lesser lights such as Colombia, USA and the aforementioned Costa Ricans has shown that in tournaments where a team’s fate is often sealed within the first two games, a dependable collective work ethic is more useful than a selection of mercurial individual talents that will turn up whenever they can be arsed. It was this line of thinking which led to unpopular decisions being made to leave behind the likes of Samir Nasri, Carlos Tevez and Kaka, and the vindication of those decisions which makes the public pleas for Lampard and Gerrard to extend their international careers all the more baffling.

Anyway, enough about England.

With the finish line sadly in sight, hosts Brazil are set to meet Germany in the first semi-final tomorrow. Juan Zuniga’s Bane-inspired attack on Neymar has left ‘Uncle Phil’ Scolari’s side looking more toothless than an Alabama crackhead, while the Fatherland’s own firepower issues have led to them resorting to all sorts of tactical variations in an attempt to compensate. It’s a tough one to predict – the only certainties being Fernandinho committing an absurd amount of fouls without being booked, and David Luiz trying to boot the ball out of the stadium every thirty seconds if the Brazilians take the lead.

The second semi-final will see Lionel Messi and friends take on Louis van Gaal’s Holland, who despite their pedigree are somewhat unlikely participants at this late stage. Both sides look vulnerable at times but have been able to punish opponents on the counter-attack, and with games becoming increasingly tight it seems safe to assume that this one will be settled by whichever front three gets out of the blocks quickest. It’ll also be interesting to see if incoming United boss van Gaal has any more ‘innovations’ planned for the press to lap up. One can only imagine how his newsworthiness will cause Jose Mourinho to act out in retaliation next season.

Anything else? Oh yeah, Romelu Lukaku has admitted that returning to Everton is at least a possibility, but to be honest he doesn't sound overly keen. He may have to get used to the idea though, as I don’t think the Champions League regulars he’s planning on joining will have been too impressed watching him chase down his own first touch over the last few weeks.