Everton 1 West Brom 1

‘One of these days these boos are gonna wash all over you.’

- David Unsworth/Ronald Koeman/Roberto Martinez/David Moyes/Walter Smith…

True to the words of his predecessors, the time has come for el Grande Uno to feel the ire of the Woodison faithful; and to be perfectly honest, it’s hard to argue that he hasn’t brought it upon himself. For all the talk of how his infectious personality has endeared him to every player from Jay-Jay Okocha to El-Hadji Diouf down the years, he doesn’t seem too adept at ingratiating himself with the fans of any club that isn’t delighted to be making up the numbers at the world’s most lucrative football party. He was rightly pilloried for his daft remarks following the hiding at Tottenham – where instead of simply acknowledging that the defending wasn’t up to scratch and would require further work on the training ground, he had to go and say that a team which can’t muster a shot on target needs to somehow become more boring – and his claims that there exists no available left-back to come in and displace Cuco Martina become more and more infuriating each time the Birdman takes to the field.

Like many who style themselves as a pragmatist, there is a smugness to Allardyce that serves to invite a degree of scrutiny which he doesn’t think is fair. On occasions where supporters have grown frustrated with his brand of football, he has made the case that it’s all about the bigger picture, and then usually found some incredibly conceited way of stating that he and his carpet-bagging mates have all the Pro Zone stats, and therefore only they are able to see the forest for the trees. This, he expects, will corral the great unwashed into accepting that they must wait until the end of the season before questioning his methods; because after all, football is a results business, where the ends quite often justify even the most unpalatable means. Basically, his attitude is that you hired him because you were sick, and now he’s going to hold your nose and force-feed the medicine that will make you better.

This kind of rhetoric will fly at Everton, to some extent at least, when they are faced with opposition that the fans accept are simply superior to what is widely acknowledged as an expensively assembled mess of a squad. It won’t, however, fool anyone when (I’m) Alan Pardew is rocking up and taking points with a West Brom team sitting 19^th in the Premier League after 24 games. It wasn’t the first time that a lesser side has come away from L4 with something to show for their trouble – far from it – but when a manager who scoffs at the suggestion of putting performance on equal footing with results then fails to put away the dregs of the division at home, you begin to wonder exactly what it is that he’s being paid £6m a-year to do. He’s playing relegation zone football when the club should be weeks removed from worrying about relegation, and at the moment it looks to have the makings of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It’s reached a stage where the games are barely worth analysing on an individual basis. There are regular changes to personnel, but any potential improvements that this could affect are immediately undermined by a chronic lack of balance, caused by the frankly embarrassing situation at left-back. Martina has been doing his best out there for what feels like decades, and while many have rightly pointed out that fans’ frustration should be aimed at the clowns whose inability to run a scouting network has resulted in his continued presence, it’s almost an accepted fact that nothing will be done about even the most egregious nonsense unless the crowd becomes hostile to the point of it being counter-productive to the players’ morale. Every week we sit and watch as other teams – and not just those with greater resources – utilise full-backs to devastating effect in attacking positions, while Everton settle for a kid who up until recently had never experienced anything above League One, and a journeyman who looks horrified at the prospect of so much as swinging his left leg.

Allardyce has finally deigned to assign Luke Garbutt a squad number, but considering how long that took it seems unlikely that he’ll feature anytime soon. There are positives to be found in the arrivals of Theo Walcott and Cenk Tosun – the former having already registered a vital assist on his debut against West Brom, and the latter at least more than willing to leave one on a defender every chance he gets – but there are other issues that need addressing if they’re to put enough daylight between themselves and the rabble to not be looking over their shoulder come spring. Martina is the most obvious complaint for reasons already stated, but getting Morgan Schneiderlin out of the team, if not the club, should also be considered a matter of urgency. Even with James McCarthy facing a substantial amount of time out of action, and the likes of Tom Davies and Muhamed Besic doing little to convince, there is no good reason for keeping the French phony on the books. His tackle avoidance is Gravesen-level, and his distribution gets worse by the week.

With the visit of Leicester City and a trip to Arsenal on the horizon, the situation could very well get worse before it gets better. Performances have slowly but surely drifted back to where they were under Koeman and Unsworth, and given Allardyce’s belligerent response to recent criticism, there isn’t much chance of him deviating from his tried and trusted strategy of sitting deep and trying to play the percentages. It will, you would hope, be enough to retain the club’s league status, but there’s no way that he can be allowed to continue in the role after David Moyes finally has his revenge at the Olympic Stadium in May.

Tottenham 4 Everton 0

Everton’s dire form continues unabated, with a 4-0 mauling away at Tottenham Hotspur extending the current winless run to six games in all competitions.

Of all the inexplicable decisions that have been made at various points this season, one of the more perplexing has been Sam Allardyce responding to a marked improvement in defensive solidity by breaking up the centre-back pairing of Ashley Williams and Mason Holgate; as while it’s fair to say that the Wales international has been less than popular during his 18-month spell at Goodison, he had finally started to show his worth in guiding the youngster through some of the best performances of his fledgling career. No one really expected much from le Grand Samuel and his gang of merry hucksters in terms of entertainment or even basic ball retention, but I don’t think any of us believed that he would ever in a million years take to arsing around with a defence that had finally looked halfway serviceable after months of shipping goals in twos, threes and fours.

The Blues actually started the game quite well, mostly due to the good work of big-money debutant Cenk Tosun, whose physicality and movement up top seemed to be giving Davinson Sanchez and Jan Vertonghen plenty to think about at the heart of the Spurs defence. With James McCarthy and Idrissa Gana Gueye sitting deep in front of the back four, Wayne Rooney, Gylfi Sigurdsson and Yannick Bolasie were able to get close to the Turkey international and look for opportunities to take advantage of his impressive holdup play; so much so that it wouldn’t have been completely undeserved if the linesman had failed to spot Rooney creeping just offside before heading past Hugo Lloris from close range. Unfortunately, though, the positive beginning proved to be less a statement of intent than a false dawn, as Son Heung-Min’s 26^th minute opener sent the travelling Ton retreating into their shells – like Ninja Turtles, except massive cowards.

If the lesson from getting good and walloped by Manchester United was that Rooney can’t play centre midfield against strong opposition, this chastening defeat was all about the false economy that is bringing in jarg utility journeymen to perform at a level that any academy kid could easily match or exceed. Cuco Martina has, bizarrely enough, in some ways looked better at left-back than he did in his natural position, but as time wears on and more outsiders become aware what is a desperate situation, the chances of him being identified as a weak link increase accordingly. This was never more evident than in the case of the first goal, where Mauricio Pochettino’s decision to push his right-back Serge Aurier as far up the pitch as possible resulted in him picking up possession in the Everton box, and firing a shot-cum-cross which an unmarked Son steered effortlessly into an empty net.

After making it to the break with only a one-goal deficit to overturn, the situation didn’t seem as bad as it could have been, all things considered. However, eye in the sky Craig Shakespeare is paid very handsomely to see things we’ll never see, and so there were no questions asked when he gave the half-time recommendation to activate Europa League mode. The players duly obliged, and within two minutes of the restart Harry Kane was wheeling away in celebration of a goal that took his personal league tally to within six of Everton’s total for the season. It came when Son made a mug of Jonjoe Kenny with a lovely turn which set him running off unopposed towards goal, before centring for Kane to stroke the ball beyond a helpless Jordan Pickford. There was more than a hint of offside, but that of course didn’t bother the England striker, who would narrow the gap between himself and his opponents to five just 12 minutes later.

There was again a degree of luck to Kane’s second and the host’s third, as he broke their club Premier League scoring record, previously held by Teddy Sheringham, with a scuffed effort that looked to have been unintentionally deflected goalward off his studs. Obviously not satisfied with a scoreline inflated by two moments of good fortune, Tottenham then put a final stamp on their superiority with an excellent team goal that started with Kane holding the ball up near the halfway line, and ended with Dele Alli back-heeling the ball into the path of Christian Eriksen. There was no doubting the outcome as the Dane stepped into a sharp side-footed finish which left Pickford fishing the ball out of his net for the fourth time, and had the travelling Evertonians once again walking away from Wembley with the sinking feeling that nothing good is ever going to happen there. Woodison South it is not.

Skies never look greyer than when a number of what Farhad ‘Sam Hammam’ Moshiri would term ‘expected losses’ come along at once, and now it’s up to Allardyce to draw a line under this terrible run and focus on the fairly winnable games ahead. What little hope he has of remaining in post beyond the summer will all but vanish if the team doesn’t look convincing against the likes of Saturday’s opponents West Brom, who will be confident of leaving Walton with at least a point after picking up their first win under (I’m) Alan Pardew, and so Old Fat Head better hope that his infectious brand of wool banter is still potent enough to elicit a major response from this group of born losers. Given his reputation as a fire fighter, and the fact that a seven-point gap between Everton and 18^th-placed Stoke is much bigger than it looks, you would have to hope that, regardless of any further additions to the squad, relegation won’t be a concern by the time spring rolls around; but still, sign a left-back, yeah?

A Time for Worship

The festive period has come and gone; and with it, the honeymoon period of Everton’s latest marriage of convenience has given way to abject familiarity.

In the month or so since the Mersey minnows had the audacity to rock up in front of Big Stand and refuse to simply let their esteemed hosts win, the frantic fixture schedule has provided a large enough sample size to afford Evertonians a comprehensive crash course on all things Sam Allardyce. The ‘new manager bounce’ continued, in terms of results at least, all through December, beginning with a first away win since Vietnam up at St James’ Park, which was followed by a solid if unspectacular home victory over Swansea. Fans’ enthusiasm then started to wane a little bit after unabashedly dull displays in a pair of goalless draws against Chelsea and West Brom, before it was back to working out exactly how long Big Sam’s big contract has left to run in the wake of a pitiful defeat at Nice Guy Eddie Howe’s Bournemouth.

It’s sixteen months, by the way.

Much like Ronald Koeman in his first season, Allardyce will be glad that he was given the opportunity to get a few points on the board early in his reign, as recent weeks have seen this Everton team found wanting in the face of stiff opposition once again. Playing a Manchester United side that hasn’t been out of the top four all season was obviously going to be difficult, but you still expect to muster a shot on target – especially under the lights at Goodison. The game served as yet another stark reminder that while Wayne Rooney will look good against any Fabianists that simply want to camp on the edge of their own box and wait for the Blues to do something stupid, he doesn’t actually know how to play centre midfield, and will always end up looking like an idiot when asked to compete against serious outfits that mean to compete all over the park. Also of note was the return of Yannick Bolasie to the starting lineup, just over twelve months after Anthony Martial put him on the weights in last season’s corresponding fixture. The Congo international isn’t to everyone’s taste – certainly not mine – but it appears as though his wild, unpredictable style is very much suited to Allardyce’s gravy-soaked palate.

Having said all that, it’s hardly time to go full Palermo and ask any available managers to send their CVs to Jim White. It bears repeating that this lot were well and truly Championship-bound under the respective stewardship of both Koeman and Coach Rhinoceros, and would have almost certainly been on the end of a scoreline that would make Roberto Martinez blush in one or both of the recent Anfield derbies had either of those two remained in charge. The FA Cup defeat was obviously frustrating, but it was still a marked improvement on the league performance, doing enough to at least test the conviction of those of us who have come away from past beatings insisting that all we want to see is a willingness to stand up and show some modicum of fight. Despite the embarrassing ramblings of newly outed lunatic Farhad Moshiri, who thought it wise to compare Liverpool’s ‘Fab Four’ to Everton’s own musical quartet – featuring Rooney as Vegas era Elvis, and Bolasie as the Tupac hologram – this remains an extremely limited group of players, assembled with such a lack of care that Leighton Baines’ injury has left the manager unable to field a left-footed player; and so it’s probably unreasonable to expect Allardyce to have achieved much more than mid-table mediocrity comes the season’s end.

With the team restored to something approaching the Moyes average of being able to beat the dross of the league at home, and at least making a show out of mostly losing on the road, the manager’s future could well depend on how successfully he traverses this January transfer window. There have already been significant, if extremely inevitable, departures in the form of Ross Barkley’s £15m transfer to Chelsea, and a loan deal which saw Kevin Mirallas finally going back from whence he came; meanwhile, German-born Turkey striker Cenk Tosun’s £25m move from Besiktas represents the first of hopefully several new arrivals. Barkley and Mirallas were both good value during their spells here, with the former showing glimpses of genuine greatness after breaking into the first team as a teenager under Martinez, and the latter always carrying a goal threat despite never really recapturing the form he showed before an embarrassing penalty debacle in January 2015.

Whereas it’s easy to spot exactly where Mirallas’ Everton career began its downward trajectory, it’s unlikely that we’ll ever discover the truth behind Barkley’s decision to basically do a Steve McManaman on the club that had been his home since childhood. For all of his obvious attributes as a footballer, something about the mercurial midfielder has rubbed virtually every club and international manager he’s ever had the wrong way; and so it does make you wonder why it’s only really Martinez and his inexhaustible supply of empty platitudes that has ever been able to coax a consistent response out of him. From a fan perspective, it’s always sad to see a quality player leave – especially one who grew up before our eyes as an academy graduate – but between the length of his contract saga and the eight months since his last appearance in a blue shirt, it almost feels like he left ages ago anyway. Whether it was all prompted by Koeman’s aloofness or the shame of being put on roller skates by a single uppercut, no one knows; and to be honest, it doesn’t matter. Chances are that his agent simply knew that if he signed a long-term contract at Everton, he’d be stuck here due to the prohibitive price that any potential suitors would have to pay to get him out it.

Barkley definitely has the talent to succeed at an elite club, but with the mental fragility he’s shown at times in his career, you do have to wonder how he’ll hold up under far greater media scrutiny; and that's without considering the pressure of working with a manager who doesn’t often credit underperforming players with showing phenomenal arrogance or having incredible moments of intensity.

Whatever the case, fuck him.