I am Sam

I sense something - a presence I’ve not felt since…

… whenever the last time Everton were genuinely at risk of being relegated.

That’s how Darth Vader would have finished his sentence, were he an Evertonian living in 2017. Luckily for him, though, the Sith were most assuredly Liverpool fans, who would be looking forward to watching Mo Salah and friends realise that yes, it really is as easy as running quickly in a straight line, when Sporting Club Big Stand host the Merseyside derby in a fortnight’s time.

To say that things have gone from bad to worse since the last update would be quite an understatement. Coach Rhinoceros followed the fortuitous win over Watford with a decent, if again somewhat lucky, draw at Selhurst Park, where they were largely outplayed by Roy Hodgson’s bottom-of-the-table Crystal Palace. The game was a memorable one, as in addition to the Blues holding out for a point that could prove invaluable come the end of the season, there was also another entry added to the long list of Everton firsts, with Oumar Niasse becoming the first player to run afoul of the FA’s new anti-diving laws; which allow for retroactive punishment in the event that a player successfully swindles a referee into awarding a penalty. The Senegalese forward was judged to have ‘exaggerated normal contact’ when demonstrating his judo break falling technique after colliding with Scott Dann.

In one of the more inexplicable developments that the alternate timeline we’re living in has thrown up, Niasse is now effectively Everton’s best player, and so it came as no surprise when his absence meant a complete lack of goal threat in the two games that followed. The first - a 1-5 drubbing at the hands of middling Italian outfit Atalanta - was effectively a club-imposed suspension, dealt to him on the grounds that Ronald Koeman didn’t know how to spell his name, and couldn’t for the life of him get his 4G going out on the fourteenth hole. Erwin could barely send a text, never mind get Google up, so in the end it was left to STRIKER TBC to lead the line in what will likely be the last European fixture seen at Woodison for a good long while.

Of all the trappings of wealth that the club is now enjoying, perhaps the most satisfying is the freedom to rotate a large, expensively assembled squad. Whereas many of the league’s lesser lights would be forced to watch helplessly as a taxing Thursday-Sunday schedule derailed their domestic campaign, David Unsworth - whose stewardship has felt longer than Denethor II’s rule over Gondor - had the luxury of resting most of his first choice players ahead of a lunchtime trip to Southampton. The decision paid dividends, as the fresh legs proved enough to not only prolong a routine humiliation until after half-time, but even score a goal in the process. In fairness to Gylfi Sigurdsson, it was a hell of a strike; and for a brief moment he looked as though he was able to forget that he had somehow found himself playing for the only team in the division worse than Swansea.

It was a very brief moment, though.

It’s during these times of strife that you wonder why the national press pays such little attention to goings on in L4, as there really is no circus like an Everton circus. Many, myself included, mistook the prompt sacking of Koeman as a demonstration of authority and ambition from majority shareholder Farhad Moshiri, only for it to soon become apparent that the board had absolutely no clue what their next move was. Rumours of a rift between Moshiri and chairman Bill Kenwright have been circulating for a number of weeks, centring on the former’s alleged desire to appoint from a list of candidates whose opinion of the club is likely to be as withering as Koeman’s was, and the latter wanting to basically get some big fat wool in. Steve Walsh has also resurfaced, now that it’s finally cold enough to break out the rather fetching pair of leather gloves that he bought during his summer sojourn in Milan.

After a fruitless pursuit of Watford boss Marco Silva, the battle lines are well and truly drawn. Moshiri and the gang are said to have re-opened talks with Sam Allardyce today (Monday 27), but with a number of old media allies being wheeled out to condemn the parody-voiced Iranian, you begin to wonder if he’s about to get the Paul Gregg treatment. There are few forces in football more powerful than the Kenwright propaganda machine, and once it’s got you in its cross hairs, it’s only a matter of time before the tide is turned with stories of remortgaging houses, and taking an uncle’s errant handlebars up the bum after going over a pothole on County Road. Unexpected additions to the tried and tested script have come in the form of Liverpool fan Don Hutchison, who thinks that relegation is acceptable on the basis that Kenwright was said to be unwell two years ago, and humble street philosopher Joseph Barton, who is reliably informed that Kenwright is actually stronger than ever, thanks to a spirit cooking regimen which involves feasting on the pineal glands of discarded youth team players.

There does come a point where you have to accept that this whole ‘nothing will ever be the same’ thing was simply a long con joke. The punch line will be revealed on the final day of the season when, after David Moyes has had his revenge, Jim White receives one last call from the lad who does a Bane impersonation while pretending to be Moshiri.

‘I know you’re a very busy man, Farhad, so I’ll cut to the chase. What our listeners want to know is, now that Everton have been consigned to the Championship, can they still be considered a big club?’

‘For you.’